I will be different someday in the near future
2013-07-12
Last night i chatted with a foreigner friend while i was watching a Chinese newly released movie"Tiny Time". I hoped that the movie could touch and encourage me with its "positive energy", but i was't moved by the movied at all. On the contrary, Chatting with the foreigner friend made me think a lot about myself.
I am now experiencing a period of changing and adjusting myself. Once when i was a little girl, i didn't think too much about myself, because i spent all my time studying and doing housework. I always ranked first in my study at that time. During my primary and middle school time, i didn't know myself too much, and i didn't pay attention to appearance and dress at all. I just dressed neatly and cleanly, but didn't dressed as beautifully as my other classmates and schooldmates. However, i was lucky that i didn't feel inferior during that period, but when i grow up gradually, i found that people always like those ones who is from rich family and has a beautiful face. So i gradually lost my small confident, and started to hide myself, and meanwhile push myself very hard on study. I tried to be invisible, and lived very lonely. The harder i pushed myself the worst i turn into. And at last i lost my confident completely and felt that i am the worst. I always cried when i felt lonely, I had no friends to tell how bad i felt, and committing suicide is the only thing i wanted to do. The only reason that kept me alive till now is my strong desire to make my pearents live a better life, and i think i have to do someting in return for them.
When i graduated from university in July 2011, and undertook my first job in Shanghai, i started to change and save myself. I went to totally new places which are far away from my hometown, and met new people there with a totally different attitude. I made a lot friends there, and did very well in my job before i quit in July 2012. However, during that period, i still felt infrior,and pessimistic, i didn't get along well with myself.
After a lot thinking and struggle, i started to find confidence through looking for my advantages, and tried to appreciate myself . I travelled to many places and took a lot of pictures, and i found that when i was looking a picture of me with big and warm smile, i felt very well and thought that i could be beautiful and lovely. Meanwhile, i also took part in many social activeties and had some excercise to make me happy and healthy mentally and physically. And through communicating with friends from dirrerent countries, i learned different ideas, and through helping and showing care and love to friends, i felt warm in my deep heart, and i started to love myself. Then i think it will not be so difficult to find my confident back.
Once i always pushed myself too hard with study and work, and i was sick. Now i gave myself a 2-year leave to heal myself. And it works, i am at least very positive now. I really appreciate my friends who always be there for me, and trust me, love me. I will do the same for them, and try to be the one who will always care about them,love them and trust them most.
All in all, i was honest and innocent, and i felt inferior and sad in the past, but now i am positive, and try to be as confident and beautiful as i can, and of course will be honest to everyone forever.
Hi, dear Juliuy, thanks a lot for your comment, i totally agree with your opinion, and i think i am kind of on the right way to get my confidence back. Wish you good luck and have a wonderful life with your confidence.
You are not alone. Since I was a teenager I was never confident enough about myself. I was concerned I didn't look handsome enough, and I always was worried (most of the time not being aware of that) that often people when looking at me or communicating with me might feel uncomfortable, because I will let them feel like that. I did progress through years, to the extent that I realized that it is not the outer beauty that makes you handsome or beautiful, but the self-confidence. If you really find out the self-confidence suddenly you become handsome or pretty (depending on your gender). It is the inner energy that makes us to look nice. The doubting thoughts eat that energy away. But often it is easier said than done. Finding the true self-confidence and having no doubts might be a life quest. I always wondered what Confucius meant when he said 四十而不惑 (at forty I had no doubts). I do believe that what he said is somehow related to self-confidence and having no doubting mind, the things you discuss in your article. Thanks for sharing! You have a style.
Your words look like the snow waving in the air ；
Your voice sounds as if the gentle wind in spring that could bloom flowers ；
Writing goes like the light cloud floating in the sky ；
Thinking ，as the flowing water ， is so natural that the canal is waiting for you ！
Hi ,glad to see your story.Maybe everyone had a lonely and hard time during the growth stage.But I think that we are lucky to have foung ourselves in our life.Work hard and smile!And there will be one day that we can say ,yes ,this is just what I want!
And I appreciate you,such a nice girl.
Thank you for your kind words, I just used very simple sentences to express a very simple myself, thank you for your attention. Good luck to you!
Thank you very much for saying so, I am trying to be a nice and excellent myselfy.
be yourself is a common word which we often hear. but sometimes people is easy to changed with the surrounding.
however, your positive energy is a valved experience for us sharing. I wonder how can you make a good writing in such fluent English. for the majority, paper writing is a difficult task even in Chinese.
zsj8904@126.com
Thank you for writing your experience and sharing your life here. I can see that through this you are also healing yourself. It is important in ones life to love yourself. If you cannot love yourself then you cannot give anything to anyone else.
I can tell you now, that there is nothing wrong with you as a woman. You look lovely. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what is beautiful for me might not be beautiful to you, it does not make my experience of what I see as beauty any less valid than yours.
Depression is a destroyer of life and a robber of happiness. It is good that you do exercises as it releases a chemical called endorphins in your brain that creates a feeling of well being and happiness.
You have also set yourself a goal which is a good and positive attitude, it gives you a reason to succeed and to strife for that goal.
The battles for what you experience is won in your mind. If you want to increase your love for yourself then talk to yourself and tell yourself that you are good, that you are talented that you have many great qualities in your life that is worthy to have and name these qualities for yourself. We program ourselves and what we feel and experience by what we say to our self in our inner thoughts and the inner world we create for ourselves.
If you are going to tell yourself the whole time negative thoughts then you are going to become negative and you fulfill your own prophecy regarding yourself, but if it can work towards the negative then the opposite is also true and you can turn it around towards the positive by telling yourself positive things. The brain is a powerful tool.
I wish you all the best and may you experience joy in your life seeing that there are many people in the world who are good and who value life and others.
Be blessed.
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