A violent emperor is not stopped by telling him what he should do. He knows what it is good and what is wrong but just forgets, forgets, forgets. He is so deep in feeling full of himself, so full of excitement, what people call madness instead. He is the victim who people hope him to be good but don’t help him out.

I can’t control my feelings. I keep wanting excitement of laughter and keep feeding myself entertainments, keep watching people laugh and make jokes. I keep wanting excitement of anxiety and keep feeding myself self-conscientiousness, keep regarding people around superior and feel ashamed of myself. I keep wanting excitement of “that’ is life” and keep feeding myself contents of that, keep falling, falling, falling deep down and regard myself as a living creature. Yes, I am a living creature but maybe more than that.

My feelings stop time, stop growth, stop exposure with nature and man. Internet helps a lot(of course not including writing here, you see I am sober and clear-minded now).

Living environment really influences a man, from his birth to childhood to adolescence and to more after. I see I am shaped by my past which I hate but I accept it now. I see I can change the bad influence on me of my past through a long period of my rest of life. Which means I will be tortured by the influence until it stops influencing me. I am living with it everyday. I try to smile at it but sometimes let it ruin my whole day. As though I am set a programme, I just do what it writes.

Yes, I am set a programme, I just do what it writes(what people call a lie or self-deception).