YOU have won. YOU have finally broken me. Congratulations.

YOUR death by a thousand cuts has finally laid its final lash upon my spirit. There is no more fire in the flame, no more gas left in the tank, no more hope to cling onto.

Having once arrived to this great country almost eight long years ago with an open heart filled with enthusiasm, curiosity, and eagerness to make a difference, my outlook has now irreversibly changed. As a long time educator, I was filled with joy and hope that I could come teach in China and make a difference in the lives of less fortunate souls than those ungrateful ones from my home country. Although this chapter of my life has been both gratifying and fulfilling, all good things must come to an end they say.

It’s not easy to leave one’s home country and to come to settle in a land that is as diverse, complex, and dynamic as China. Both victories and pitfalls have been an integral part in this leg of my journey through life. But eight long years of endless daily struggles in battling to connect to the online world that lay outside China’s borders has finally taken its toll. Any foreigner living in China can certainly relate to this struggle.

YOU have succeeded in your endeavor. Congratulations.

Needless to say it is quite difficult, if not at times impossible, for a foreigner (and many Chinese mind you) without the use of a VPN to keep in touch with the outside world. And yes, in 2016 there is a world that lay outside of the Middle Kingdom. For me, I need a VPN to access my personal email account on Gmail to keep in touch with my family and friends, keep current with world news, do my online banking, study my online courses, and connect with my peeps on Western social media.

In my past several years here I have also made extensive use of foreign websites for the preparation of my classes. The wealth and breadth of material that is available for educational purposes is infinite and incredible. There has never been a time in history that is as rich in information as today. Moreover, I have used online platforms such as epals.com (where my students could make pen pals from around the world and communicate with them both practicing their English and learning about their pals’ own cultures) and Wikispaces – an online discussion portal – in which my students were able to have written discussions with each other about topics ranging from the happenings in the Middle East to the Common Traits Shared by Successful People. Such tools were not only exciting, enlightening and refreshing to students, but also offered them an unparalleled means by which they could expand their intellectual horizons whilst having an avenue in which they could improve their written English.

Sadly, most of these kinds of educational websites such as Wikispaces.com and Schoology.com are currently inaccessible in China. It deeply saddens me to see yet another set of educational tools (among hundreds of others) being robbed from a youth thirsty for knowledge, cultural exchange, and a means by which they can truly, honestly and openly express themselves. It’s a deprivation and theft of their ability and right to explore and grow. It’s a suppression of their inner light and spirits, not to mention their wonderful personalities. The same tragedy rings true about the hundreds of thousands of websites that could be used for research and learning. Moreover, the scarcity of Western books, magazines, and newspapers printed in English are quite scarce in the mainland. After eight years here, I have yet to see a single English book in any airport bookstore around the country. The opportunity cost is immeasurable, not to mention tragic.

But what can we do? That’s just the way it is! I’ve been told over and over.

The fight was once in me because I stubbornly and unswervingly held the future of my beloved students at heart and wished to help nourish not only their minds, but also their beautiful souls and tireless spirits.

But now, it has gotten the best of me; I’m exhausted! Thanks to YOU, I am now too old, too tired, too discouraged, too bitter, and too pessimistic. I am now with lack of courage and void of faith in the future of this once great country which I once greatly admired and passionately embraced as my second home.

YOU cast the spell. YOU deprive and silence the souls and spirits of the youth in this country. YOU show no faith in your own people – the future generation. YOU have altered the path towards where I and many others can no longer see a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

My only remaining hope is to leave the endeavor to younger, more vigorous and dedicated teachers and parents; and also to the students who, unlike me, never give up. For this, I offer my sincerest apology for my lack of courage, my hypocrisy, and, most importantly, for letting you down and giving up.

At this point it is time for me to just let go and move on, for if I don’t I will have to relinquish my sanity.

As I am nearing the last leg of my journey in China, I will continue to teach for a while but will, along with my students, unwillingly and unfortunately, be limited to the confines of Chinese cyberspace with all the limitations that this implies.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the fine people at ChinaDaily Blog who have both the generosity and courage to give foreigners like myself as well as many Chinese citizens an outlet in which they can have a voice and be heard. Thank you. We doubt that any of YOU are reading or listening, but at least we can try to be heard.

As with nearly all of my posts, I won’t expect any comments (as I have elicited and encouraged them in the past to no avail); like you, I will join the masses of silent and beaten souls.

On a final note, I leave YOU with a forgotten lesson of YOUR history. I am a collector of ancient Chinese Prints and the following engraving from 1788 is perhaps my favorite of all, as it depicts one of the earliest founding principles of this once great nation.

On it appears several figures but two of them in particular stand out: the Yao尧Emperor (the mythical emperor who was one of the successors to the infamous Yellow Emperor) who is seated on the top left portion of the image and a Concerned Citizen standing assertive and unafraid with his head held high on the bottom right. We can see the Concerned Citizen beating on the drum affirming that his voice must be heard. At that time, everyone had access to Yao’s court and could freely offer a suggestion or even make a criticism.

Once we forget our past, we compromise our future.

Farewell.