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Trying to understand my Chinese girlfriend. HELP!   [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2013-1-25 02:14:13 |Display all floors
I'm an American guy, 36. My girlfriend is Chinese, 39. She's a divorced mom of a 9 year old boy. According to that other thread, she's a "left-over" woman. (such a mean thing to say about a human being!) We work for the same company. I'm still in America, she's still in China. She's very private about her personal life, and especially about me. One day, she will move here with her son to be with me. For now, we text chat every day, and have a phone call once or twice a week.

We have a huge difference in opinion about jealousy. Today, she told me a big boss in our company said he heard she was a single mom, said he respected her for raising her boy all alone. Then offered to help find her a boyfriend. She laughed and said "OK." Not taking it seriously.

I was pretty insulted, I asked her: "Why didn't you just tell him that you are not single, but thanks anyway for the offer of help?"

She said: "Aren't you happy that people like me?"

I said: "Yes. Professionally, and in a friendly manner. But when they start getting involved in your love life, I don't like it any more."

She said: "You should be happy that people like your girlfriend. If you are jealous about this, it shows that you lack faith in me."

I said: "The jealousy, I  cannot control. I do trust you to do the right thing when interested men approach you. But I don't like the fact that you are not trying to discourage them from approaching you, and that you let people continue to think you are single."

She said: "Am I supposed announce to the world that I have a boyfriend then?"

I said: "No, but when it comes up that you are single, you could at least correct them, and CERTAINLY not accept offers to help you find a boyfriend! Otherwise, what am I, a ghost?"

She then told me that if I wanted to go out with a female colleague, she would not have a problem with it, as she trusts me absolutely. But that if I were unfaithful, she would never forgive me. (she didn't mention how she would feel if I invited her to my hotel room when she was drunk and sad and had a crush on me....)

She said she was very very sad and hurt, and she will go to bed. (it was 1 AM for her)

To me, this idea of denying one's jealousy because I have so much trust in her faithfulness is almost insane. It sounds like something from an idealistic book on love, not reality.

I told her that if our situations were reversed, she would probably be jealous, no matter WHAT she is saying now. She said absolutely not, because she trusts me. I sugggested that unless she is VERY different from every other woman who has ever been interested in me, I doubt it. Jealousy is illogical. It comes from love (or maybe insecurity?) from the person who is jealous, but to the other person, it is just a nuisance.

I hope there are a lot of English-speaking Chinese people who can tell me whether this is cultural, and I should get used to it, or if it is a mater of personal opinion only.

Now, we are both wondering if there are too many cultural differences for our relationship to succeed? Or is this not cultural at all, and just a matter of our personal viewpoint?

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Rank: 8Rank: 8

Post time 2013-1-25 03:55:13 |Display all floors
The best way to know a person is in the batle field.

Definetely that woman is a ¨passport hunter¨, she doesn´t love you

She is waiting (or looking for) for better chances, better opportunities, that´s it.

Yes, its culture

People here are more reserved in private personal issues

some of them coz they want to get more options as your GF

and others coz they are not open minded

My advice

Get rid of her

Any person who is planning to move to live with a love partner should be happy and if the occassion comes to tell about her status, the person shouldnt hesitate to say her situation.
Denying or keepiing silence is a way to lie and in love relationship there is no room for those silly behaviors.

Go and find another woman, a normal one. Cheers

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Rank: 4

Post time 2013-1-25 08:28:23 |Display all floors
This post was edited by caihong at 2013-1-25 08:30

Sorry to tell you but actually your gf can't be called "leftover" woman in China. Leftover is only used to call those whom have never been married... In China, divorced women are called deflowered, rotten wood(残花败柳),worn-out shoe ect... It's much more derogatory...No offensive but it's truly how people called... Well, Chinese do have derogatory names for the guys as well. For example, those who are shorter than 170cm are considered "the 3rd class handicapped man"...

To answer your post, I believe it's not a cultural thing...

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Rank: 3Rank: 3

Post time 2013-1-25 10:35:14 |Display all floors
As a girl i wanna say if i were her and if our situations were reversed, i would be very very jealous if i love you. But if i don't love you i won't be jealous at all.  
And if someone wanna approach me i will tell him i have a lover. I can't imagine how can a person like more than one person at the same time? If i have a  lover my heart must be full of him no place for others and don't want others either.

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Rank: 4

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Post time 2013-1-25 11:02:36 |Display all floors
I wonder if you made any tangible and serious commitments about your relationship. Your weekly call does not entitled you to make her announce to the world that she is not available. What happens if you listen to Ghosty and got rid of her. Touch your heart, she does not need another person to let her down again. Go to China and marry her at least on paper (immigarte later or notwithstanding) then you are now entitled. Kapeez?

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Rank: 4

Post time 2013-1-25 11:17:22 |Display all floors
Thanks anothergirl, I'm glad to have another woman's point of view, especially one in support instead of telling me my lady is a worn-out shoe and I'm a 3rd class handicap, hehehe.

huaren, thanks also for your input. Well, I have gone to China for 3 weeks to meet her in person, meet her son, and live with her. It was great, and we really got attached. That is not a commitment like going and marrying her, but that is all I can do right now. I'm in the process of getting divorced here, at the moment, so that I CAN marry her. Surely THAT counts as a commitment enough to warrant some jealousy on my part? ;)

Ghosty: I seriously doubt she is a gold-digger. My feelings and belief in her aside, she is much more successful in China than I am here. She's educated and has a great job. She has nothing to gain except love by coming here to be with me; she'll have to leave her family behind. (although she is not close to them at all, by her own admission) It is possible, though unlikely, that she is awaiting better opportunities. She has/does spend too much time and effort on me for someone who is shopping around. Remember, I didn't meet her through a "find a Chinese bride" site. I met her through work, quite by accident.

caihong: Thanks also for your opinion.

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Rank: 3Rank: 3

Post time 2013-1-25 12:04:16 |Display all floors
This is not a cultural thing at all.  
I am a native Chinese girl and had such experience before, i am pretty sure there's no culture difference on this point.
She seems matural than you, it will be a bit challenge to you.
I suggest that you just be a good listener when she talks about that, don't take that too serious,( at least pretend that you don't care at all).
cause if she really didn't take you serious, being jealous can never help your relationship.
So, just listen and smile, when she find you don't care at all, she will become curious and worrying, she will start to ask you if you really love her or not, but she can never blame you that you don't trust her. And finially make she care about you more.( of course this is under the condition that she really loves you.)

If she doesn't love you, being a pacient listener can never be a bad choice, either. What is more, this can finially make sure where exactly you are in this relationship.

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