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The story of a piece of paper [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2004-4-19 19:09:06 |Display all floors
A  piece of paper was blowing in the wind. The weather was sunny and the sky was bright. Everything was normal expect the flying paper. Nobody noticed it. It just flied peacefully, quietly without being interrupted. Nobody knew where it came from, where it went to. In a word, the piece of paper seemed a mistery in this story.
Yanlip was still in bed. The night before had been a terribly tiring one in her life. She had been chatting online for a  life-long time, unaware of the time. When she said goodbye to all her friends met in cyberspace, it had already been 12:30. Badly needing a sleep, she climbed onto the bed and soon fell asleep.
The most strang thing I have ever heard of happened. The piece of paper flied through the window of Yanlip's house and laid quietly on the desk. The gentle wind had made a amusing joke. On the piece of paper, it said "Call *******.I am waiting for you because my life is under your control."
At almost 10:00, after a long sleep, Yanlip opened her eyes slowly, be uncertain about  whether she was alive. When she realized it was a lovely morning, she got up and began her daily life. Eventually, she noticed  the paper. Though she did not have the idea of where it came from,she dialed  the telephone number to check what was the matter. However, no one answered.
It took almost one week for Yanlip to discover the fact from a local newspaper by chance. That piece of paper came from an actor. He had written his lines on the piece in order to memorize them. Just on the day the play was shown, he lost the paper and could not remember what he was required to say.

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Post time 2004-4-19 21:22:03 |Display all floors

Me,again.

I wrote it by myself.  I am sure there will be a lot of mistakes . Could you point them out for me? Thank you.
Actually, I don't know whether I have made it clear ?
Maybe it makes no sense to you, however, it is important for me.

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Post time 2004-4-19 22:04:31 |Display all floors

tsksdf!

A piece of paper blowing in the wind...

A piece of paper was blowing in the wind. The weather was sunny and the sky was bright. Everything was normal, expect the flying piece of paper. Nobody noticed it. It just floated peacefully, quietly in the wind without (ever)being interrupted. Nobody knew where it came from, or where it would go to. In a word, the piece of paper seemed a mistery. (A mistery, in a word.)

Yanlip was still in bed. The night before had been a terribly tiring one. She had been chatting online for a long time, unaware of the time. When she had said goodbye to all her friends(, met) in cyberspace, it had already passed midnight. Badly needing a sleep, she climbed into bed and soon fell asleep.
Then the most strange thing I have ever heard of happened: the piece of paper (was blown/floated) through the window into Yanlip's room and settled quietly on the desk. The gentle wind had played an amusing joke on her. On the piece of paper it said: "Call *******. I am waiting for you because my life is (now) under your control."

At almost 10 the next morning, after a long sleep, Yanlip opened her eyes slowly, uncertain whether she was alive or dead (bit dramatic?), then she saw it was a lovely morning and got up to begin her daily (chores)life. After a while she noticed the piece of paper. Though she did not have an idea of where it could come from, she dialed the (telephone)number to check what could be the matter. No one answered, however.

It took almost (a)one week before Yanlip discovered what happened from a local newspaper: that piece of paper had come from an actor. He had written his lines on this paper to memorize them. Just on the day the play (premiered)was shown, he lost it (and hadn’t been able to) could not remember what he was required to say.

(Doubtfull that would be in the local newspaper, or that that actor wouldn’t be able to memorise his lines.)

Nice prose, as tsupasat will say.

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Post time 2004-4-19 23:24:53 |Display all floors

edit

A piece of paper was blowing in the wind. The weather was sunny and the sky was bright. Everything was normal expect the flying paper. Nobody noticed it. It just flied (flew) peacefully, quietly without being interrupted. Nobody knew where it came from, where it went to. In a word, the piece of paper seemed a mistery (mystery) in this story.

[maybe it should read: A piece of paper was blowing in the wind.  The weather was sunny and the sky was bright; everything was normal except the paper.  Unnoticed by everyone, it simply flew peacefully and quiet without interruption.  my note: since no one noticed it, why would you write no one knew where it came from?  the last sentence should be replaced with: The simple paper was the start of a mysterious story.]

Yanlip was still in bed. The night before had been a terribly tiring one [delete these words: in her life]. She had been chatting online for a [delete: life-]long time, unaware of the time. When she said goodbye to all her friends [delete: met] in cyberspace, it had already been (passed) 12:30. Badly needing [delete: a] sleep, she climbed onto the bed and soon fell asleep.

[add: Then] The most strang (strange) thing I have ever heard of happened. The piece of paper flied through the window of Yanlip's house (bedroom) and laid quietly on the desk. The gentle wind had made (helped make) a (an) amusing joke.

sorry, no time to edit the rest.  hope my suggestions help.  you should avoid small verbs such as be, are, is and try to use more powerful verbs.  you use commas and sentence breaks well, but need to learn to integrate conjunctions for variety.  short sentences are only effective when used sparingly.

very nice prose!

ts

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Post time 2004-4-20 17:46:35 |Display all floors

Thank you very much.

Thank you for your kindly editing.I know I have to pay more special attention to my English study.
Hope I can get more help from you.

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