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reply to "wchao37"
I couldn't follow the meaning of the series of posts following your reply to me. So, I am really only able to reply and respond to that last reply of yours, to me. Simply put, thank you! |
The Spirituality of My Partnered Relationship is Critical:
My many friends in CD's forum have been very helpful. I have taken each thought and reply to heart. But I have not found my solution. I am (probably, obviously) having a difficult time.
On the one hand I think I am not worthy of her and on the other hand I am afraid of her. I know her pleasant demeanor and constant smile are great gifts, perhaps they are too great for a mean old cuss like me.
I am a solitary decision maker, I have always been so. I think I am destined, based on all of my past, to walk a path not trodden by the crowd. I have my councilors, my friends, and there are others I deliberately seek out, whom I think will give me beneficial advice. The friends here in the forum give me the added perspective of not having a prejudicial design on my outcome, as they do not really know me in person and can have no real personal design on my outcome; this is a great advantage to me. But, I must frustrate them all, for appearing to ignore what is, to at least some of them, a straightforward solution.
I will seek my answers within, where I will pose the possible solutions (taking everyone's suggestions and thoughts with me); if I don't feel a positive reinforcing spark from within, then I keep seeking a possible solution, a possible solution that I will pose again to myself. Sometimes, this is a long soul-searching process, before I am ever seen to act. Of course, sometimes, I just react. I try to take the former course in really important and serious matters. The former course takes a lot of time and energy, the latter does not. You don't seem to get much for what you don't work for, I think.
I am a sincere student of the creation in which we live. I was trained in science and math to look for themes, paradigms, mechanisms and details. I have been a scholar of religious thought, I do not have to read the bible, nor Confucius, nor the writings of Buddhists, Hindu, Jewish or Muslim scholars: I do know what each school of thought will have to say.
I am the final one to say, of my own free will, what will by my choice. I chose to listen to the stream of life that flows from within me. No preacher, no Pope, and no Minister, can ever do this for me. This is a discipline indeed, there is no easy way out. So, I am a spiritual person first, and am a religious person last.
I am confident and very self-assured, when I have found the answers so quietly nestled and ever waiting, within. I know the secret is to still myself and become dissociated from the outcome, because it may not be what I think I want and I know I am not the controller of the force of life and all of its meanings. I am but a student who must learn to hear and understand, before he acts.
To accept a gift, is to accept the responsibility and care in the grace in which it was given. Do I dare tell God what to do? Do I dare tell God to tell me what to do? In the most desperate of moments, perhaps. And what does it get me: the answer is to earn it: I have been there before, God will meet me more than halfway. Mercy comes, if I am looking for it and dare to ask. Gifts are best given by God at and of its own design, these are the everlasting gifts. The best laid plans of mice and men are just sandcastles on the beach or shapeless shifting clouds in the sky. I do know this. Little girls and their fantasies are like little boys and their dreams. When we have tried our minds and souls, then we know -- the contentment of the old people is not a surrender, it is an awakening of reality.
Does she know that her designs from her needs for security and control are detrimental to the gifts that God has already chosen to bestow? Such interference is the key. The key to my difficulty is: how can I trust another to listen within for the answer, without the presence of one's mind and self-consciousness. To go to God empty of desire and expectation, is a marked level of attainment, indeed. She has the capacity for this discipline.
I carry so many great responsibilities. I have so many gifts. I have so much love. Do I have the patience and energy to take on the frustration of another? Yes, we can be that close. I already know that answer, I know it now. Simply going through the contemplative exercise is sometimes sufficient. I share this contemplation with you, as you have shared your contemplations with me. It seems as though just writing them down, fixes them to a point of focus, where and then, my mind suddenly skips away and the answer sometimes, as just now, seeps stealthily into my inner ear.
I speak to you my dear friend and friends, and although I am just a cyber ghost, I know you have listened. If you respond, you can be sure I will listen, but even more, I will take all your ideas back within and I will suggest it to myself and that inner force, and wait for that whisper I have come to have such faith in, return its answer, or not. I appreciate your effort on my behalf and the energy you have given me is not wasted.
Thank you "wchao37",