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Post time 2010-4-27 11:29:07 |Display all floors
Beware the Overshare: Why You Shouldn't Always Open Up

Your new friend confides something very personal. Do not—repeat, do not—second that emotion. Martha Beck on how to manage people who play fast and loose with intimacy.

  你新交的朋友倾诉了一件很私人的事情。不要---再提醒一遍,不要--对这种情感附和。 Martha Beck 对如何管理那些对亲密戏说的人们。

Boris came to me at the behest of his new girlfriend, Cecily, whom I'd known for years. Since most people dislike being pushed to see any sort of adviser, I expected Boris to be reticent, if not downright hostile. How wrong I was! After a few minutes of chitchat, Boris himself raised a very personal issue.

  Boris 奉他新女友我认识很多年的Ceily之命来找我。因为多数人不喜欢被逼着去见任何类型的顾问,所以我预计Boris会会吞吞吐吐--算是不十分敌意的话。我真是大错特错!闲聊几分钟后,Boris自己谈起了一个十分私人的问题。

"I know why Cecily's confused," he said sheepishly. "We've been dating for months, and we still haven't slept together."


"Okay," I said cautiously, not wanting to disrupt a delicate moment.


"You see," Boris said, looking at the floor. "Ten years ago I had a cancer scare. My, um, prostate. It turned out to be benign, but mentally, it know." Eyes still averted, Boris described his sexual difficulties and the vicious mockery he'd endured from his former wife. I felt terrible for Boris but also secretly pleased that he'd felt safe enough to divulge such personal information.

  “是这样的"Boris说,眼睛望着地面,"十年前,我经历过一次癌症恐慌,我的,嗯, 前列腺。结果是良性的,但是,精神上,它带来了影响..你是知道得”眼睛依然回避着,Boris描述了他的性障碍,以及曾经忍受过前妻的恶毒嘲讽。我对Boris深表同情,但是同样暗自窃喜他感到安心地透露出如此私人的信息。

The next day, Cecily called to thank me. "Boris seems happier," she said. Then her voice dropped. "You know, ten years ago..." She repeated Boris's prostate story, including all the gory details. "I know we have a really special connection," Cecily said, "because Boris shared that with me on our very first date."


"Ah," I said, developing suspicions.

Weeks later those suspicions were confirmed when Cecily called me in tears. "Boris hit on my best friend," she sobbed. "After I introduced them, he called her and they talked for hours. He told her about his cancer scare and everything."


I felt myself blush. How many other girlfriends, counselors, taxi drivers, and random airplane passengers had Boris seduced into intimacy with the mournful ballad of his achy-breaky reproductive apparatus? It called to mind Broadway megastar Dame Edna's comment about her (fictional) late husband Norm: "Oh, the years I spent with that man's prostate hanging over my head." Boris, it seemed, whipped out his, uh, issues every chance he got. He wasn't just a sharing person. He was an emotional slut.

  我感到自己脸红起来。Boris用他的生殖器的悲情诗歌还诱骗了多少位女友、顾问、出租车司机和随便哪一位机场乘客?另人想到了百老汇超级巨星Dame Edna对她(虚构)的已故丈夫Norm的话:"啊,与那个男人前列腺在一起的岁月另我烦忧”似乎Boris一有机会就把,嗯,他的事儿抖出来。他不仅是一个爱分享的人。他是一位情感放荡者。

Of course, I was less upset about this than Cecily, partly because Boris wasn't my significant other, and partly because previous experience had taught me to recognize and cope with people like him. To help you avoid falling for an emotional tramp—or, worse, acting like Boris yourself—I'll give you the same advice I gave Cecily.


But first, maybe I should explain what I mean by emotional sluts: They aren't sexually promiscuous folks who also tend to be moody, like, for instance, every single character on Sex and the City. True emotional sluts are psychological wolves in sheep's clothing. They consciously or unconsciously manipulate others with displays of openness and vulnerability.


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Post time 2010-4-27 11:30:14 |Display all floors
"How to avoid emotional sluts" We all have an innate tendency to mirror the level of intimacy presented by others, so when someone confides personal information, we feel social pressure to reciprocate. This can put us in deep social water with people who might simply be enthusiastic swimmers but could also be sea monsters. Experts who study predatory criminals advise wariness when anyone shares too much information too soon. Such people may be using a tactic called forced teaming, pulling others into ill-advised intimacy and gaining information they can use to embarrass, exploit, invade, or control. For example:


During an ordinary water-cooler conversation, Kip's coworker Theresa confided tragic details about her sequence of abusive boyfriends. Kip felt obligated to keep listening and offer comfort. As she confided more, he volunteered stories of his own romantic traumas to help her feel at ease. With all this talk of love, Kip soon realized that Theresa considered their relationship a romance, something he'd never intended. When he told her, as gently as possible, that he wasn't on the market, Theresa did not react well. Kip later learned from a third party that Theresa had been regaling friends with the story of her all-time worst abuser—him.


Amy was 16 when her 40-year-old soccer coach told her about his depression and anxiety. Amy fell for Coach Greene like Juliet on estrogen, telling him all about her own life, including details about her friends. Their intimacy, while never physical, was so emotionally fraught that Amy's interest in boys her own age evaporated (to this day, she dates much older men). Then a teammate informed her that Coach had not only confided in several other soccer players, the entire cheerleading squad, and a comely female bus driver but had also shared Amy's personal disclosures with others—comments she had never meant for any ears but his. Coach Greene's emotional sluttiness left her feeling both exposed and jilted, an adolescent heartbreak that still stings many years later.

  Amy 16岁,她的40岁的足球教练告诉他的抑郁和焦虑。Amy就像是发了情的朱丽叶一样爱上了教练Greene,把自己生活的一切都告诉了他,包括她的朋友们的细节。他们的亲密虽然从未有过身体上,可是从情感充斥着至于Amy对和自己年龄段的男孩子们的兴趣一散而尽(如今,她和年龄大得多的男人们约会)。后来,一位队友告诉她那位教练不但对别的足球运动员、整个拉拉队,及一位有风韵的女公交司机曾有过倾述,而且将Amy的私人坦露--那些只想告诉给他的话--告诉给了别人。教练Green的情感放荡让她感到被暴露被抛弃了,许多年后依然带来刺痛的一个青春的伤心处。

If an emotional slut manages to hook you, consider yourself lucky if you merely devote time and attention to someone who hasn't earned it, or reveal a few embarrassing secrets. There can be more serious fallout: You offer your heart, making the relationship far more important to you than to the emotional slut. There's also a slim but real chance you could fall victim to a predator who's deliberately luring you into a vulnerable position, gathering information that can be used to control or victimize you. Realizing that someone you trusted intimately sees you as someone to be manipulated is like walking full speed into a glass door: shocking, probably humiliating, and possibly quite painful.


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Post time 2010-4-27 11:30:50 |Display all floors
How To Avoid Emotional Sluts

Manipulative people often rope others into games of conversational strip poker by relying on implicit courtesy—the equivalent of "I took off my shirt, so the least you can do is peel off your socks." Two words: Don't play.


You need preparation to resist this kind of peer pressure. Resolve right now that the next time someone divulges inappropriate details about her sinus-flushing compulsion or aberrant body hair, you'll resist the impulse to feign polite interest or share something equally intimate. Instead you'll say, "Oh." That's all. Then maintain silence. If possible, walk away.


This simple approach is amazingly difficult, partly because our therapy-soaked, tabloid-reading, reality-TV-watching culture encourages emotional intimacy in many contexts. It's easy to join in the exhibitionism, putting yourself in bad company.


How to Recognize a Descent Into Slatternliness

My primary care physician, a woman I'll call Dr. Pearl, is right out of Grey's Anatomy. Lovely, humane, and concerned not only for her patients' physical health but for their overall well-being, she's almost too good to be true. Sadly, I know she probably braces herself every time I visit her.


You see, before my first get-to-know-you physical with Dr. Pearl, I was instructed not to eat or drink, lest I mess up my blood tests. I also knew I'd be subjected to the most agonizing of all medical tests: the weigh-in. So perhaps I fasted longer than technically necessary,avoiding even water, which is really heavy.


My memory of that appointment is kind of blurry, but I believe that when Dr. Pearl asked me about my stress levels, I began compulsively describing everything that ever happened to me in my entire life. Dehydration and low blood sugar turned me into a disclosure train with no brakes. Somewhere between discussing my dread of developing gas during yoga and my detailed description of my childhood hometown (which, in my defense, was rumored to boast of the world's highest per capita consumption of both chocolate doughnuts and antidepressants), Dr. Pearl politely mentioned that therapy was an excellent place to discuss such issues. Well played, Dr. Pearl.


Hours later, filled with chocolate doughnuts, fluids, and horror at my own behavior, I swore to make something positive come from my shameful exhibitionism. I reviewed the appointment mentally, paying special attention to the moment I knew I'd gone too far (sadly, this was very early in the conversation). In hindsight I realized it was the moment Dr. Pearl had flashed a certain micro-expression, basically the nonverbal equivalent of the word oy.


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Post time 2010-4-27 11:31:54 |Display all floors
How to Read Lips (And Eyes, and Foreheads...)


If you've never heard of micro-expressions, it's time you did. They've been famously studied by Paul Ekman, PhD (the real-life model for Dr. Cal Lightman of the hit show Lie to Me), who found that all humans display the range of emotions with identical facial expressions. Even when we're trying to be inscrutable, our true feelings involuntarily flash across our faces for about a fifth of a second: a micro-expression.

  如果你从未听说过微表情,那么是时候了。Paul Ekman博士(热播节目Lie to Me中Cal Lightman现实生活原型)对它们进行了著名的研究,发现所有人表达各种感情所用的是相同的面部表情。即便当我们努力要不带表情,我们真实的感受会不由自主地从我们脸上一闪而过,大约是五分之一秒的时间:微表情。

Most of us aren't aware of other people's micro-expressions, though we see them subconsciously. To evaluate your ability to read these expressions, take the cool Web-based test at Not only is it fascinating, it underscores the fact that we can train ourselves to see and read micro-expressions. This, I concluded after my shameful doctor's appointment, is a skill that can help us all avoid becoming emotional sluts.


Try this exercise: Imagine that your grandmother is visiting (from Detroit, Bosnia, the afterlife, or wherever). She takes a prescription sleep medication that, according to the manufacturer, "can cause amnesiac sleep housekeeping in rare cases." During the wee hours, you awaken to find Nana, stark naked, at the foot of your bed, folding your laundry.

  尝试这个练习:想象一下你的祖母来探望(从底特律、波斯尼亚,下一辈子,任何地方)。她拿来一个处方安眠药,根据生产商称,“极少情况下可能引起失忆型梦中打扫房间” 半夜,你醒来发现你的奶奶裸体站在你的床脚前叠着衣服。

Picture this vividly, allowing your face to do whatever it wants. Good—now, freeze. Memorize your expression. Study it in a mirror: the widened eyes, the wrinkled nose, the head pulled back like that of a startled heron. This is the reaction of a person who's receiving Too Much Information. Remember it!

  生动地想象,让你的脸自由发挥, 好--现在,定格。回忆一下你的表情。照着这镜子研究它:眼睛睁大,鼻子皱起,脑袋回缩得像一只受惊的鹭。这是某个获得太多信息的人做出的反应。别忘了!

If you do this, you'll notice far more accurately when someone flashes a warning that you're overexposed. Even if the micro-expression is so fleeting you don't see it, your gut will shout, "Danger! Turn back!" Promise yourself that if this happens, you'll immediately say, "But enough about me! What about the weather we're having?" This preparation can save you from behaving like an emotional strumpet—even in situations where you're disoriented by the threat of, say, a weigh-in.


Emotional intimacy is one of the greatest joys of human existence. Still, it's best to let it develop gradually, with each party revealing more as confidence and mutual trust increase. If I sound like your grandma (before she went on that crazy sleep medication), so be it. Old-fashioned caution can preserve your reputation, dignity, and self-respect, so slap on that emotional chastity muzzle by practicing your micro-expression skills and conversational deflections until they're practically reflexive. Then, when an emotional slut pressures you to go too far, too soon, you can save yourself for someone who deserves you more.


Martha Beck is the author of six books, including Steering by Starlight (Rodale).

(the end)

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Post time 2018-1-14 19:54:48 |Display all floors
i am one of easy open person to new friend, how if we find comfortable person? although that just our new friend..

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