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心理学堂之Dealing with anger caused by bullying and.. (e-c)practice [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2009-5-11 20:02:19 |Display all floors

Dealing with anger caused by bullying and harassment

Also, anger caused by unresolved grief

On this page

The cause of anger | Dealing with anger
Strategies for dealing with anger
Unresolved grief as a source of anger
Anger statistics | More information and books
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Post time 2009-5-11 20:03:08 |Display all floors
The  cause of anger

All targets of bullying get angry. This is "normal", for anger builds inside a person for months, sometimes for years. It is a feature of targets that they internalise their anger rather than express it. That is what we teach our children to do. Most often the cause of the anger is a bully who is a serial bully, a devious, manipulative, deceptive, a compulsive liar with a Jekyll and Hyde nature who can also be charming when required - especially when accountability needs to be evaded.


Living or working with a serial bully can drive you mad. Although it feels like you're going insane, in most cases targets of bullying are completely sane but mad with anger. Bullying drives many people to suicide. Most people will experience prolonged negative stress which causes injury to health and over time becomes traumatising, resulting in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is a psychiatric injury, not a mental illness, despite some superficial similarity. To understand the difference, click here.


What contributes most to anger is the bully's constant denial of what they said or did yesterday, plus the fact you can never hold a mature adult conversation with the person; the bully flits from topic to topic, denying everything, always blaming others, especially the target of bullying. It's like nailing jelly to a tree.


Bullies use anger to control their target. Weeks, months or years of provocation, taunting, denial and projection cause great anger even in the calmest people. Bullies know that they can tap into that anger whenever they like and use it to control their target, often by obtaining an inappropriate release of that anger.


The most maddening thing about dealing with an aggressive, dysfunctional serial bully is that nothing works. No matter what you try or what you say, nothing works. It's only when you realise that the bully has a different mindset from yourself and that he or she has the behaviour profile of the serial bully that this person's aggressive, disorganised, disordered behaviour starts to make sense. Even then, most people are trapped in their job (or their relationship) and cannot escape the bully. This aspect of captivity seems to be one of the main contributors to the development of PTSD.

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Post time 2009-5-11 20:03:48 |Display all floors
Dealing with anger

As a society we don't learn how to deal with anger, no-one teaches us, it's a taboo subject. I recommend Managing Anger by Gael Lindenfield - it's one of the few books on the subject, is practical and easy to read.

  作为社会来说,我们没有学过如何处理愤怒。没人教给我们,这是一个禁忌话题。我推荐由作者Gael Lindenfield所著的“Managing Anger"一书--这是对此话题为数不多的一本书,它实用、易读。

Bottling up anger is thought to be a cause of many types of illness, including cancer. I've come across many cases where a person has died from cancer and their partner (or close family member) is a psychopathic serial bully. See report at BBC News Online.

  把愤怒闷在心里面被认为是引起多种疾病的原因之一,包括有癌症。我曾遇到过许多情况下一个人死于癌症而他们的伴侣(或亲密家庭成员)是一位心理变态的连环欺负者(注:原文有链接)。参见:report at BBC News Online.(注:原文有链接)

Feeling angry is "normal" under the circumstances, however, the choice to be angry - or rather one's choice to express anger - is also an unwitting choice to allow the bully to continue to control you outside and beyond the experience.


One way of reducing the feelings of anger is, whenever you feel angry, say to my self, methodically and pedantically, "I feel angry, I have a right to be angry given what has happened, but when I get angry I'm allowing X [the bully] to continue to control me by tapping into my anger and using it to provoke an inappropriate reaction. I can choose not to express anger and instead retain control by not getting angry." This takes some doing but it does help to quell the angry feelings, especially when you can channel them into motivating you to do something constructive. Anger can be a powerful motivating force, provided you can harness it and direct it towards achieving your objectives in life. A bullying experience is an opportunity for defining or reviewing your goals.

  一个减少愤怒感觉的方法是不论什么时候感到愤怒,都对自己将方法地,”装模作样“地说,”我感到愤怒,据发生的情况,我有权愤怒,但是当我发火,我就在让 X【欺负者】利用我的愤怒,用它来激发(我做出)一个不适合的反应,从而来继续控制我。我可以选择不表达愤怒,相反通过不愤怒来重新获得控制权“这可需要下一些功夫,但是确实能帮助压制愤怒心情,尤其在你能将它们疏导来为你做一些由建设性的事情提供动力的时候帮助更大。如果你能驾驭愤怒,将它朝着生活目标指引,愤怒可以做为一种强大的动力。一段遭受欺负的经历是一个定义或重申你目标的机会。

I believe half the population are angry from being bullied or harassed or abused; click here to see if this fits your experience in life. Many emailers and callers to my UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line are dealing with a violent or abusive partner, sometimes as well as a serial bully at work. Bully OnLine provides insight and practical information to validate the abuse people are experiencing; the sound of relief is often almost audible!

  我相信半数人都因为受过欺负、骚扰或虐待而产生了愤怒,点击此处(注释:原文有链接)了解这一情况是否自己的经历。英国全国职场抵制欺负帮助建议热线的许多来电来函者面对的是一个充满暴力或虐待的对象,有时候还有工作中的连环欺负者。Bully OnLine(注释:原文有链接)提供详尽、实用的信息来证实人们体验到的虐待;”轻松的声音“几乎可以听见!
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Post time 2009-5-11 20:04:41 |Display all floors
Strategies for dealing with anger

All targets of bullying (including abuse, harassment, stalking etc) have a lot of locked-up anger which is very difficult to contain. Small irritations tend to set off an explosive release. These triggers can come wittingly or unwittingly from our adversaries or from our friends and colleagues.


Anger is a beast that controls you. When you express it you lose control. Bullies know this, it's why they constantly provoke you. By expressing anger you are thus choosing to allow the bully to control your actions long after the experience. The expression of anger can become like a drug because of the pleasurable feeling that comes with the exercise of power and control. Good people will often then feel guilty, which replenishes the anger for the next time.


Try these:

1) Get an empty plastic milk container or similar and jump up and down on it until it becomes a two-dimensional object. Do this in private otherwise you may get a visit from two men in white coats.


2) Save up all your empty bottles and visit the bottle bank. The sound of breaking glass is so soothing, especially when you are doing the breaking. Do NOT experiment on your neighbour's windows.


3) Talk things through with your counsellor and therapist.


4) Empower yourself with knowledge and insight and learn defensive phrases such as "I'm sorry you choose to feel like that" - see action/words.htm if you haven't already.


5) Take time to rebuild your boundaries so that it's harder for people to pull your triggers (wittingly or unwittingly).


6) Every time you have a negative thought force yourself to say repeatedly "I am responsible, I am responsible.." (not for the source of the anger, but for your response to the emergence of your anger)


7) Read Gael Lindenfield's book Managing anger and Mike Fisher's book Beating anger

7)阅读Gael Lindenfield的”Managing anger"和 Mike Fisher的“Beating anger"一书

8) Cut contact with all the negative people in your life - if this is not possible (eg the bully is a close relative) then minimise contact, practice verbal self-defence and read Patricia Evans' book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". See and and

8)切断和你的生活中消极人们的联系--如果这不可能(例如,欺负者是一位近亲),那么最小接触量,练习语言自我防御,阅读 Patricia Evans的”The Verbally Abusive Relationship"一书,访问 and and

9) Rediscover your integrity which has taken a battering and work regularly on rebuilding it, strengthening it and practising it.


10) Concentrate on what YOU want to do with your life. Whilst everyone has the right to take legal action to obtain compensation for detriment, because the law is so weak there's a good case for deciding on *either* committing yourself to several years of legal action (ie more bullying and reliving your experience repeatedly), *or* focusing on your strengths (which are considerable - that's what attracted the bully in the first place, remember?) and carving out a new career for yourself. In most cases it won't take many years to earn more than you might have got through the courts.

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Post time 2009-5-11 20:06:52 |Display all floors
Another source of anger - unresolved grief

As a society we are often hopeless at dealing with grief at the loss of a loved one. Admonitions that "you've got to move on with your life" or similar may be well meant but they do not recognise the depth of loss that people, especially children, feel after the death of someone close to them. Grief comprises many symptoms, including anger which is directed at the person who has died and caused so much pain by dying. It's an odd feeling to have but is a normal part of grief. Most people then feel guilty for feeling anger at the person who has died. The process of mourning helps us deal with these natural feelings which also include sadness, loss, undeservingness, unworthiness, guilt, and more. When a person does not grieve properly these feelings are internalised and end up as inwardly-directed anger. This builds more anger and the process repeats until the person experiences depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.


Statistics from the British Association of Anger Management


    * 25% of the workforce experiences office rage
    * 25%的劳动者有过办公室暴怒
    * 23% of staff feel extreme anger at work
    * 23%的员工作时感到了极端愤怒
    * 5% of employees suffer from severe stress
    * 5%的员工体验了极端压力
    * At least 15% of workers suffer depression (some studies suggest 30%)
    * 至少15%的员工有过抑郁(有些研究认为有30%)
    * Staff absenteeism costs on average £700 per employee per annum
    * 每年员工旷工成本为平均700英镑/人
    * 18 days are lost each year due to anger and stress-related illness
    * 每年因为愤怒和压力相关疾病损失的时间为18天

More information


My pages on self harm and suicide.


Full behaviour profile of the serial bully including links and articles on psychopaths and sociopaths as well as personality disorders.


For dealing with an abusive partner or family member, I recommend Patricia Evans' book The verbally abusive relationship. Patricia Evans has her own web site.

  因对虐待的家庭成员或伴侣,我推荐Patricia Evans的“The verbally abusive relationship"一书。Patricia Evans有自己的网站。

British Association of Anger Management (BAAM).(链接)

Anger Management Techniques(链接)

Anger Management(链接)

Angry teenagers 'risking health'(链接)

Beating Anger: the eight-point plan for coping with rage, Mike Fisher, ISBN 184413564-0, Rider, 2005.

Managing anger: positive strategies for dealing with difficult emotions, Gael Lindenfield, Thorsons, ISBN 0722527152.

Living or working with a person who fits the profile of the serial bully will make result in a great deal of anger; if you are living or working with or for a serial bully then these books may also prove useful:


Without conscience: the disturbing world of the psychopaths among us, Robert D Hare, The Guilford Press, 1999, ISBN 1-57230-451-0. Mostly about serial killers but the behaviour profile is the same.


The standard work on psychopathy which describes at length the damage a psychopath causes to families and to the community is The mask of

  作为精神病话题的标准作品,详述了一位精神病患者对家人和社区引起的伤害是由Hervery Clekley(C V Mosby Publishing出版,第五版,1976)“The mask of sanity"。

sanity by Hervey Cleckley (C V Mosby Publishing, Fifth Edition, 1976). It's still in print and if you're dealing with a serial bully it's essential reading.


First written in 1941 it's rather long and the language is at times quaint but it's as insightful today as it was then.


(the end)

[ Last edited by hly_2010 at 2009-5-11 08:16 PM ]
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