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Mr Goon, Mr Thug, Mr Junk and Mr Cafferty
Mr Goon: Now, now jack, you can't go around and steal our names. That's plagiarism! Unfair! I am Mr Goon, he is Mr Thug and our friend there, standing next to you, is Mr Junk. |
Mr Thug: Yes, jack. You must learn to see things more clearly. Why see a speck so far away in a land overseas when you can't even see the Grand Canyon in front of your eyes?
Mr Junk: i agree with Mr Goon and Mr Thug. You're just too lazy, jack. Open your eyes and close that mouth of yours for a change.
Mr cafferty: But hey people, i am a CNN anchorman. My job is to make acidulous comments to drum up support for my employers, China Neutralising Network.
Mr Goon: Acidulous? my foot! And it's a big foot, to boot. More like incredulous.
Mr Thug: Look, jack. When you open that mouth of yours and think you will be applauded by your audience, what you fail to realize is that what you said will make you and your employers look like a bunch of hooverites and mccarthyists retro to the era of nazism and white supremacy.
Mr cafferty: how so? i am lost.
Mr Junk: How so? you opened your mouth and said "they have been goons and thugs for fifty years, selling junk to us" and now you are puzzled? Is your brain scrambled? So scrambled that you have to beat a hasty retreat and try to worm your way out by saying you never meant those derogatory terms for the Chinese people but you only meant them for the Chinese Government? How can you do that when you very well know that we are the goons, thugs and junk-bearers of the world? Haven't you heard of the term "junk bonds" and what they had done to our own hardworking american citizens? Haven't you heard of the term "junk food" that our McDonalds and KFCs and Pizza Huts are exporting in tonnes to those stupid Chinese people? Haven't you seen how clever our businessmen are to wring the blood out of those poor ignorant peasants by selling them junked tv sets and computer monitors so that their hands and land will be contaminated by mercury? What's a million or two to die when they have one fifth of the human race, those formerly pigtailed yellow men? What our anglosaxon cousins succeeded with opium in the last century, we shall continue with junk in this. Let's get our hershey to sell them more of our finest chocolates with three-month expiry dates at twice the price; after all, they're junk.
Mr caffety: but they sell leaded products to us and poisonous pet food; i protest you can't talk to me like that!
Mr Goon: Really? have you been there, jack? Have you seen how little they make, how hard they work, how many sub-layers of small factories they have in the rural areas whose owners are trying to make trifles in order to satisfy the increasingly ruinous demands of our well-heeled buyers, rapacious capitalists to the last core? Did our people help them with advance payment to buy the right materials, transfer technology or teach them quality control? Did our buyers give them the right product specs? Were those specs communicated to them clearly and in their language which predates ours by a few millennia? Did we do our best first before expecting them to do their best?
Mr Thug: Yeah, have YOU been to China, jack? haven't you seen how much the Chinese love pets? They dote on their pets so what makes you think they want to poison ours? And as with the shipments to japan and other countries, the point has been made clear there was sabotage in the importing countries; are you so senile that you can't exercise some wisdom about things? When someone is doing well and earning a reprieve from past hardships caused by others, those others will become jealous and try to make trouble. Especially us whites and those who think they should be whites.
Mr cafferty: Ok, ok. I can accept we junk them and their recycling industries help remove a lot of junk from our land otherwise we will be the biggest junkyard on the planet. But what about the beatings? Aren't they thugs and goons?
Mr Goon: careful again, jack. Who again are 'they'?
Mr cafferty: The Chinese people. I mean, the Chinese Government. I mean, the Chinese what-ever...
Mr Junk: see, jack. You can't make up your mind who you want to target. Are you on dope or something? Make up your mind who you really mean.
Mr cafferty: Ok, the Chinese Government.
Mr Goon: You said fifty years. Why, since you're some sixty eight years old, are you saying you have been observing China since you were eighteen? Did you even know where China was then? Were you with the other American journalists who had gone on the Long March with the Chinese Government? Have you visited the Nanjing Memorial? Have you walked the streets of Beijing and Shanghai, talked to the people of Hefei and Taiyuan, tasted the fruits of Kunming, ate the peanuts of Shandung, held the hands of children and farmers across the land, seen lives improve across the vast expanse of that country? Tell us, jack, if in the last thirty years alone, there has been so much progress and care in that society that even the top heads of states and the best journalists of the world can praise and admire that nation's government for great work done and care of the people, do you think they could have been goons and thugs all along?!??
Mr Junk: yeah, jack. What say you to that?
Mr cafferty: but...but....
Mr Thug: Look, jack. Why don't you take a break first and go to our US Library of Congress and do some real research before you start shooting off that mouth of yours. All three of us are very angry at you. How dare you say the goons, thugs and junks are over there when you very well know they are all here. Can't you see us standing here before you, right in front of your CNN cameras and microphones?
Mr Junk: Jack, can i call you Jack and not "Gaffe"rty? What did our Martin Luther King say? I Have A Dream. Why did he say that? We whites didn't treat our black brothers as brothers then. Who wrote the first book All Men Are Brothers? It wasn't that german, Schweitzer. It was one of 'em chinamen, i believe. Thousands of years ago. How dare we be so presumptuous to think we can take the high moral grounds over them when we haven't even done our research in our libraries? If we are wrong about them on pets, do you think we can be right about them on humans?
Mr Thug: And jack, people like me have our moments of pride too, so don't try to diminish them. Our policemen are seen on cctv beating up people, our armed forces use dogs on unarmed prisoners, our marines shoot up villagers from Vietnam to Iraq, our bombers napalmed paddy fields, our cruise missiles demolish afghan huts, our wet teams kill latin american leaders, our rockets even can kill friendly consular staff of a sovereign state. So why are you trying to diminish my achievements for the starspangled banner?
Mr cafferty... i wasn't trying to. you know... don't think that of me..i am you know a patriot.
Mr Goon: you're nothing but a poor specimen of the worst sort of chauvinists that make up today's self-rated western media.
Mr Junk: yeah, you give it to him, Mr Goon. Jack, while you're trying to absorb what we have said here today to you, you might as well go tell your bosses don't play around with geopolitics anymore and scuttle that hypocritical calvinistic claptrap. After all, in today's world increasingly polluted by us, even white will soon turn yellow.
Mr cafferty: i...i.....
Mr Goon, Mr Thug, Mr Junk : Jack Cafferty, go look in the mirror.