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i am also in the same situation.|
Six years cannot get job. Already old and tired. Worn out by life. When i wake up in the morning, i boil water, mop the floor, wash the clothes, make tea, then look around for some food for my daughter, then fetch her to school, then come back, drink something hot, put the clothes out to dry, open the internet, read, write or find something, iron the clothes, wash the bathroom, tidy the house, walk from front to back of the house, walk from back to front of the house, go out and find food for another daughter, ask her to get ready for class, go to my mother's, fetch her to the hospital, see my father, take her back, find food, go home, open the internet again, write something again, find something again, walk around again, take in the clothes, mop the porch, mop the floor again, wipe the tables, sit at the back, look at the alley, watch six generations of alley cats walk by, some in the memory only, think about life, open the internet again, wait for someone to write something, have dinner, wait for another daughter to come back for her dinner, take bath, clean up, make drink, walk around, take the rubbish out, look at the sky, lights off, fight the mosquito, go to sleep.
just now, sat at the back and said i surrender, said nothing will move me again, said i can let go of almost everything, said i have learnt my lesson in life, and don't teach me anymore, because there are no interesting surprises anymore; when i looked at myself in the mirror, i cannot remember this face; now and then, old memories flood back; how much can one grimace in life?
each one has some phases to go through; not every minute can be pure joy; what goes up must come down soon enough. If your father has asked you to do something when you don't have anything else to do, try to see him trying to helping you, someone he cares about. Like me trying to care for my girls. I say trying because they are going through their own phase of not listening to adults anymore, only listen to their same age group. If the work is boring, think how bad it is to sit and look at the alley in the back of the house. There's nothing to see in fact, except the pictures that unreel in the mind. After a while, even those are stale.
hah-not like the old time when this old leopard had so much to do up high that he could get angry at himself if he had to go to the washroom; that stomach-tightening tension, that vibrancy, that zest to achieve.
try to make yourself useful wherever you are; find and do new things to improve your father's business, for instance; maybe rearrange the office, tidy things up, analyse how things are done, find new suppliers or customers from the internet, directory, contacts.
don't wait to be told.
then if something nicer comes along, ask his permission to take that up; on payday, treat him and your mother to a nice dinner with some of the money.
the people who care for us always, and for whom we remember now and then to care for in return, won't be around us forever.
one day the old tree which has been providing shade from the harsh heat of life will wither and lose its leaves, branches will fall off, all without one whisper of the impending end.
one's daily problems and difficult regime shouldn't make the heart insensitive to the waning beat of life as it ebbs and flows from one to another.
i write all these things like talking, there is no need to think hard and long about it.
but there's something so chinese about the way it is expressed, isn't it?
..... waiting for the last battle tonight with that fearsome mosquito - it is a cunning foe - and i fear the battle will be lost - because i cannot see clearly, what cannot be seen with the eye, outside eye or inside eye, cannot be fought.