- Registration time
- Last login
- Online time
- 0 Hour
- Reading permission
I have a dilemma to ...
Thank you for your detailed analysis. First of all I am not here looking for sympathy or have a dig at my wife. Perhaps you don't think like me, but for me it is important not to hurt anyone specially who I care (or cared) about. I know that I am a romantic fool but two wrongs don't make a right.|
I am British and believe it or not I am studying for my Neuro-Psychology degree while working. Perhaps, English is not my strong point. Here are the answers to your questions if you could help me.
I had to return to UK because I am working and studying here and also I cannot stay in China for more than 30 days due to visa restrictions.
No, we do not chat on Internet because she is not computer literate. Someone used to translate emails for her when we started out. After she had been to a language school, we communicated only on the phone.
Disco doesn't have computer terminals, but she answered my calls after a long delay saying that the mobile phone was being charged in the living room and she had not heard it (in fact she would be in disco). She would find a quite place to answer my calls and pretended to be asleep so I would quickly end the call not to disturb her.
I had been providing for her because she had been sharing a flat with someone and her mate had left to live somewhere else. She then decided to move to a better flat on her own. She had always told me that she was working but decided to go part time after we got married so her income dropped from RMB800 to RMB400(all of it was untrue). So I needed to increase her living allowance that now stands at RMB3000 a month. I am still supporting her, as I have not decided what to do yet.
No, I did not turn a blind eye to any of her bad behaviour. I only found out about all this a few weeks ago and my mind grew more suspicious each time I had spoken to her.
Please help me with your comments; I am facing the dilemma to give her a try or not. But before you jump to conclusions, I urge you to read this. Please bear in mind that she is a great talker and can make anyone feel great. She can think on her feet and is very intuitive.
When I had decided to leave her and she gave me the story about being addicted to speed, I had changed my mind and told her from the bottom of my heart that I will not leave her in bad times. She was touched by my words and told her friend everything. Her friend then advised her that, since he is such a good person and you have done so many bad things. So I suggest that you tell him the truth about everything tonight and perhaps it is better that you end this relationship, as you will drive him mad in future.
Later that night (I was still unaware that she was not addicted and preparing to fly to China in two days) she called me and poured her heart out to me and told me the truth about everything and said that she did not deserve me. She had now told me that she couldn’t have a child due to some medical reasons, which she had kept secret from me. She admitted that it was her father who had told her to lie about almost everything so that she could go to England to support him. She then asked me that if it was OK with me that she went away and thought about our relationship. She said to me that whatever I decided, it was OK with her. This was the first time in our relationship of a year and half; I truly felt that she cared for me. She was honest in what she had said. She said if I had decided to give her a chance then she would be a better wife but will not complain if I had rejected her.
She went to her village and stayed with her school friend (she is still there). I had thought about everything and then decide to give her a chance since she had been so much honest and forthcoming. We are to apply for her visa in a month’s time and anticipate that it will be only a few weeks before she will have her visa. Knowing this, she requested me that if she could play hard now while she is in China because after she comes to UK she wants to work hard at building the family life. I had agreed at it. Further she had told me that she had not paid three months rent and people were calling her but she felt shy to ask me for money and wanted to borrow from her friend when she gets paid. I did not respond with a yes or no to see if she really was shy. She did not mention it again. She spends her evenings till the morning gambling in her friend's gambling place in the village. She says that she does not use her money to gamble but uses her friend’s money when her friend looks after her baby. I had made it clear to her that I will not provide a penny more for her expenses and will not pay if she borrows any money from anyone. She is OK with that.
My mind went on overdrive when I called her to say that I am sending her money to pay the rent and she returned to the city to get the money from the cash machine (I have given her my card and visa) and pay the landlord. She spent all day sleeping that day and I knew it for sure that she is planning to go to disco at night. When I spoke to her 23:00 Chinese time she was out in a restaurant and I told her that if she wanted to go to disco then that was OK provided she did not lie and did not take drugs. She insisted she will not go to disco but had previously spoken to her friend to go gambling in her home and she will be back for 3am. She asked me not to call her as she will call me when she returns. She never called and I called her at3:30am but her phone was switched off. This only meant one thing for me that she was not with her friends playing poker but at disco, because if I she attends the call and I do not hear her friends playing poker and talking then there is a problem. I may be wrong. She called me 6:30am and that is the usual time when she used to return from disco. She insisted that she was playing poker and did not realise the time and switched the phone off so I don't disturb her. I had to believe it, as I did not have any reasons to believe otherwise. After a few days of thinking I had told her that I am ending this relationship as I cannot trust her and then she asked me to support her to buy a small business. You know the rest.
Problem is that she may have been truthful to me recently but I am much more suspicious of everything about whatever she says now. I am trying to predict the future based on the current and past events and I think that it is bleak. She says that she is worth a try and loves me and if after living for six months together in UK, I felt that she did not love me then she will not be unhappy with my decision to end it.
My dilemma is whether to give this relationship a try or not?