Author: cecilia_xiao

the man i love called me cheater last night [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2005-1-17 12:35:52 |Display all floors

ahh, i see

After I read your last post, I think I understand a little more now about what’s going on.  Well, don’t be too hard on him, because what he’s doing is rather natural for us American guys.

What you described in your last post is the classic “women wants security/commitment up front, while guys are few steps behind.”  You are not feeling that way just because you are a Chinese girl, because we drive American girls up the wall with this stuff as well.  This is due to the basic differences in what a guy and a girl are looking for when they start a relationship.

I don’t go into the reasons behind why guys are slow in making commitments.  But, in my personal opinion, if he hasn’t been with you for very long, unsure about his own future in China, having a relationship with a foreign girl, then his hesitance is rather normal.  And being in a foreign land, among foreign men, and feeling he’s not living up to your expectations, might be the reason why he’s insecure and called you dishonest.

And your frustration is very understandable as well.  But I have to caution you on something: don’t expect/press for too much, especially not early on.  I don’t know how long you two have been seeing each other, but if a girl (any girl, Chinese or American) tells me that she wants a life-long relationship before we dated more than 3 months, you’ll see how fast I can run the other way.  That’s just scary.  No offense.  Please don’t rush it.

I’m sorry that I can’t give you something more specific.  But as long as you remember to protect yourself, you should be ok in the end, regardless how it turns out.  Don't lose hope.  Good luck.  ^_^

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-1-17 13:15:13 |Display all floors

trust can be built again. i also believe in it.

Thanks again, Marcus.
I believe in what you've said that trust can be re-built. That's what I'm doing now to regain his 100% trust. wish me good luck. guys. :-)
actually the 'weatern way'-which is direct and open makes life easier and simple. Chinese are too "not candid" when expressing their feelings, that brings hassles and sometime harm the relationship.  I think, you just tell and tell her again that you trust her fully. this may encourage her to talk more.
He merely talks to me about us.. we do talk about  various things, we discuss on topics often.  Like i said, i wrote 'love letters' to him. (haha, it may sound funny nowadays), he said nothing, then i asked him if he read it...etc etc.. but in daily life talking, he pushes me to 'talk'...I have so many questions, silly questions. i felt ashamed to ask other people, but i like to ask him. 'coz i believe him. i 'm not afraid being laughed at by him if he will.
people are different. maybe your wife is one of the kind of people who do not like to express their feelings candid, as her friends don't do it. If all people around her expressing their feelings directly and frequently, i believe she will do the same to you.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-1-17 13:30:34 |Display all floors


Thank you sooo much. Xiphoid.  I really appreciate your comments here.
I also knew that i might push him too much, to tell the truth, i worry that i will push him too much or give him too many pressures. Not like him, I don't hv many experiences in love or relationship, one voice saying to me: you trust him,he trusts you, both of you enjoy the time together, laugh together. hug each other. happy happy life....whatelse you want?  the other voice saying: ohh girl,come on, you have to think about 'future'.. where will this relation lead you ...etc etc these two voices fighting in my head quite often. i don't know what to do with them. I believe I am not the only one who has this "two voices" in mind... so sometime i will ask him abt  'silly questions'...:-) arr. (need to restart my brain..:-) )
True. so all women want security/committment. I am one of them. I'm just a common girl expecting a common simple life.
3 months. bite me. We've been together for three months.exactly 3mons!!! But, it's strange that I feel like we have been together for a long time like a year or two.  Actually the relation  grows little bit too fast  which is out of my or our expectations. I hope Time will fly to the end overnight, :), that way, we could love each other till the end of time!

** I kinda understand the last part you said in your post,  but not sure, or,better to say,  I don't want it to happen to me. (sigh)

Thank you very much. i will remember your words. *_^.
wish me good luck.

P.S Yesterday i had lunch with two girl friends who are getting married to their bfs soon (one in March the other in May). suddenly i felt that i'm the Bridget Jone in "The Bridget Jone's Diary". ha

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Rank: 1

Post time 2005-1-17 14:35:37 |Display all floors

Yes, its's hard....

It is really hard to maintain cyber love, mainly due to distance and also because of no physical meeting. Being far away, it is common for human being to feel distrust, even though love is based on mutual trust. I am sympathy with you. I would say, you must be strong, be prepared to face any consequent in any activity you are into. I know it is easier said than done... but.. finally we must say something...

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-1-17 14:37:42 |Display all floors


Your behavior is definitely pretty typical for a young woman.  It's cute and funny in a way, reminds me of the girls back in college.  ^_^  Don't worry, you'll do just fine.

What I meant by my last sentence is this.  Your boyfriend is obviously experienced enough to know how to protect himself.  By that, I mean, he knows how to keep his feelings safe, and keep the options open.  I agree with him.  It's a very important lesson to learn.  And you might want to talk to the more experienced female friends to figure out how to keep your head above the water.  People tend to dive straight into their first few relationships, head first, and the result often isn't pretty.  >_<  Love isn't blind.  You can and should learn how to think objectively while in love.

As for the Bridget Jone's diary comment.  You had me laughing.  Oh, and your use of slang like "bite me" cracked me up as well.  XD  Hollywood sure has made its presence felt everywhere, even in china.  Funny that all the girls, all over the world, have this "my biological clock is ticking" feeling that we men just can't relate to.  My wife is pressuring me about having kids, but I'm not ready to be a father.  She's only 28, what's the hurry anyway?  LOL....  Women, no matter how much we learn, we will never truly figure you out.  Hahaha, but we wouldn't have you any other way.  Cheers!  \(^_^)/

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Post time 2005-1-17 14:53:51 |Display all floors

heh heh heh....Martian vs Venus residence

Gotcha!.. unfortunately, in this big  big world, i don't have such 'experienced female friends' to talk to....sighhhh....people are all busy with their own biz. why bother to talk to the little girl, who actually not that 'little' at age,but little in her mind...(Jesus. i'm soon 26 in one week)
Thank you again. you are so kind. :-) He said he's here to protect me from being hurt...haa,  let's see how it will work
well, I will remember your words though. :-).  Love is blind, at least for me it is.  he also said that I'm like a school girl falling in love.when he said this, i paid attention to it and look back often about my behaviors, it's getting better,  'I'm learning from love. I have to thank him for this. Love has opened the world in front of me,  kinda mixed feeling of-fear, shocked, happy, sad......

it reminds me when I meet my friends ,when we talking about bf and gf, relationship...I always say to end their arguments  " all the problems,war, economic crisis... on this planet comes from the only problem--the problem between man and woman"

P.S. personally think, reading the books of BJ's Diary (1&2 The Edge of Reason) is more funny than watching movies/DVDs. the  BJ's Diary is more interesting than The Edge of Reason...I hope I'm as lucky as BJ

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Post time 2005-1-18 12:57:37 |Display all floors

Lost hearts

I have read soon very sad replies within this room.  A very good letter from cecilia_xiao and mintming, as well as from others.

Coming from the guys point of view.  A lot of you ladies were done wrong by your boyfriends, and I hope that you do not feel that all guys are like that.  I live the United States (San Diego, CA), and my soon to be wife is Chinese, but she is still in ShenZhen now.  We have been in this relationship for about 3 years and for the last two years I have been to China 4 times (going every 6 months).  Yes it is very hard to be in a relationship where we cannot see each other daily, but we have worked through it.  At one point I did think that she was with someone, but it was me that was doing the chasing and the guys were just friends.  Plus I had to learn more about Chinese culture, in the way that men and women do things together as friends and just friends.  If I did not trust her then who can you trust.  Like I said, I was the one that went after her to win her heart.  Now she is the best person to ever come into my life.

This is something that you ladies have to educate your boyfriends, lovers, or future husbands about.  If he wants you in his life then he will have to trust that you will be there for him and not cheat on him.  The young lady that I am with now could be cheating on me now, but I will never accuse her of cheating on me or talk down to her because I did not get to talk with her on the phone or reply to an email that I sent.


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