Author: cecilia_xiao

the man i love called me cheater last night [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2005-1-17 04:51:00 |Display all floors

I am from the UK...also

I'm really sorry to hear your story. I can relate a little to your story as I am currently living in the UK and my Chinese girlfriend lives in China. The long distance relationship is very very hard.  Each day you go through the process of reminding yourself of the love you feel  (I love my girlfriend, no question). Now only being able to communicate through the Internet and phone makes is quite a tricky task to overcome conveying your feelings and emotions in the limited time that you have and sometimes things can be misinterpreted (not least because of the cultural differences).

My girlfriend and I have had similar experiences where she did not express her feelings very much and I asked here if she still cared for me. She took it as an insult and was quite hurt. This was not anyone’s fault, I am just used to partners expressing their feelings verbally, I later explained it to her and she felt better.

Now, as for your situation, I agree with what some others have said, if he cared for you so much then he would not be able leave you because of his paranoid ideas.....I mean its not as if he caught you with another man. Therefore the basis for him not talking to you is totally flawed which would suggest he has another reason for not talking to you....I think you need to talk to him to find out why, if only to understand each others feelings.

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Post time 2005-1-17 05:52:42 |Display all floors

Re: Mikeuk's comments

Cecilia,

It's really only been the last little while that I think I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to feel mistrusted like this.  Like Mikeuk, I am going through this and have been for a while, and I'm still trying to figure things out (see a recent post of mine about "expectations of Chinese women").  I recently married a Chinese woman still living there but soon to come over (hopefully).  

While I think your boyfriend over-reacted, I can sympathise, from a Western perspective.  We Western men are used to open, direct communication.  I've learned it's quite different than Chinese form of communications which is general more subtle.  In China, direct questions about personal expectations and feelings, it seems, can seem threatening and maybe a girl feels like they are being accused of something.   I completely understand where Mikeuk is coming from in his previous comment.   I think Western men (who really care) are used to frequent, open communication.  In the West, if you don't receive that type of communication quite often it is assumed that there is something being hidden.  It seems for Chinese women this type of open communication is not even expected.  Or, when a Chinese man asks to share your feelings, maybe he is doing so because he actually does suspect something, so when a Western man asks for it, and/or wonders about your feelings (just because he cares) the Chinese girls overreacts and thinks he doesn't trust me.

In the West, sharing your feelings with each other is a way to establish trust.  Then, you both really understand each other.  If someone is perceived not to want to share this, the other person thinks it is because the person doesn't feel the same.

ps. Mikeuk, I totally agree about phone lines.  It's exceptionally difficult to try to understand subtle differences and come to an understanding when 50% of the time you're saying "What?? can you repeat that?   No, no, I don't disagree, I just didn't hear everything you said??  Please repeat"  and she says "nevermind...."   or Jsut when you think you're finally understanding each other the line gets shitty, or cuts off.  

We are definitely a patient and devoted breed of being :)

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Post time 2005-1-17 06:07:01 |Display all floors

re: MintMing, dishonest?

I think your letter to Cecila is great.  And,it is also helping me get it through my "thick Western skull"  the Chinese behaviour in these situations.  

Do I think it's dishonest?

Well, according to Western behaviour, it seems like it.  Further to what I wrote to Mikeuk in agreement, when one person is asking a question or comment, it is only respectful that the other person recognizes this request and responds -- openly and honestly.   In the West, it doesn't really matter if your response seems hurtful, the main thing is that it is open and what is 'really on your mind'.  In the West it seems more hurtful and you lose more "face" if the person does not respect you enough to tell you his or her honest feelings.   

Of course, I think we all agree that sometimes there is a time and place to be REALLY truthful or "brutally" honest, because of course, honesty hurts (and maybe then and there isn't the best time).  But, Western men, would prefer to know the truth sooner than later.

Your man was sick, so I can understand that you don't want to disturb him anymore.  So, it's a decision you have to make.   Will he be more disturbed or even more upset if I tell him, and then he gets sicker; or if I tell him maybe he is mad for 1 minute and he thinks about it, and then he is so happy with you because you share your feelings, and he feels comfortable.   Men can accept things and adapt you know.  What frustrates them is when they don't know what to adapt to.

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Post time 2005-1-17 06:38:33 |Display all floors

mintming

nothing wrong with withholding some of your more personal thoughts.  You are not required to be an open book, even when you are married.  :)  So no, you are not dishonest.

Some men are just less secure about their places in a woman's life than others.  This often happens when the guy is inexperienced, haven't figured out what kinds of girls can be trusted, and how to spot a problem, so he become paranoid about every little thing.

But if you truly know him, and know that he's not saying that to berate you or just to hurt you on purpose (there are guys who do that), then don't worry, he'll become more secure over time.  He'll learn to trust you, and more importantly, trust in himself.

Good luck.  ^_^

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Post time 2005-1-17 09:54:24 |Display all floors

Thank you, Marcus.

Thank you for your comments. it' really made me tearful. (actually, i've been reading your post of "communication expections of chinese women", and i asked my bf to read it last night).
when he said that he cannot trust me 100% as before. i was really upset. i blamed myself.  But it's good, lesson learnt, i know now how to better "communicate" with him. maybe it's just a habit of me saying "nothing" when i don't feel like to "talk of anything". as he said: you can say " i don't want to talk now," " we talk abt it later"...
as you all know, I'm a chinese. and Chinese are not explicit, not candid. I know clearly in some aspect, I'm really very "chinese" .  he always encourage me to "talk", and I do improve alot in communication. We are very open to each other, we talk about anything. when a girl completely trusts you, she will tell you eveyrthing.
I don't know chinese women in your wife's age if they communicate enough to their spouses, as me,, chinese girls in my age,  i believe we expecting communication with our boyfriends or partners. I also agree on husband and wife are the best friends.

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Post time 2005-1-17 10:11:26 |Display all floors

to xiphoid

thank you. thanks for the comments.
sometime the "culture difference" really upset me on understanding each other.  a couple of days ago, me and my bf had a talk about "relationship".
I 've written emails to him, you know, as gf to bf, this stuff words and emails...he seems never replied my such emails, but he would just 'talk' to me in internet on one or two points i mentioned in the email. most of the time, i asked him about my email or my thoughts, then he talked about it.  then about this "relationship", i wrote to him saying that i'm expecting a life-long relationship...etc. of coz  he didn't replied email. another two days later, i pull up my nerve and asked about his opinion, he said: he's easy going and had learnt from  his past experiences that it's hard to plan for the future of relationship...he doesn't worry about it often, unless something major  happens, i.e. dishonesty.. he aslo said it's hard to explain due to culture difference in what a relationship should be defined by..then I asked: so what's the American Relationship, what's a Chinese relationship..he has no comments. he saying "i have learned from past relationships not to plan to far in future..cause when it ends it hurts more...or if the plans are not exactly as u imagine they u feel different... "

sometime you don't know why you trust someone so much, as you read his words later on...I was so confused.
when this occurs, i just take a break and "ask" my mind to 'restart'...I'm trying and trying just because I love him.really.

wish you a nice day.
Mint

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Post time 2005-1-17 11:23:28 |Display all floors

No -- thank you, Mintming....

....Mintming you are helping me too.  Please correct me, if I am wrong, but it seems that Chinese women really feel that once trust has been lost it is almost too embarassing to face a man (even if you didn't do anything).  One thing you should know, Mintming, that I didn't say earlier is that trust can be built again.  And to tell you the truth, I don't you done anything wrong --- you just been misunderstood.  Nobody can be blamed for that.  

Your boyfriend and you are realizing the same things I'm starting to realize about each of our cultures, and on the contrary, while you may be a little bit sad now, I hope you will feel happy again soon, because maybe now you both have a better understanding of cultures communication styles.  And, it's not perfect, and it will probably take years to really understand.   

My wife and I are going through similar things (as you know from my "post").  We've really taken a risk, but I think we are worth it.  It will take the both of us to try, if it will succeed in the long run.

I agree with you that if she trusts me 100% then our communication will be open.   So, I too have to make sure that I don't do or say things that would weaken that trust.  THat is pretty difficult sometimes when I have a weak understanding of the culture, plus we are 10000 km apart.

...so, thank you for your comments about your experience and understanding of Chinese women.  It's great to hear.  So, any other comments you have, or your friends have, I appreciate.

M

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