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(Digital Dementia News Services) A study published in the current issue of the New England Journal of Medicine indicates that almost fifty percent of Americans are of “below average” intelligence. |
According to the article these startling findings are based on “a very large sampling of the population” and are said to be “accurate to within +/- 0.000151%.”
“We see it as endemic in the population. Chances are, approximately fifty percent of the populace is doomed to being below average and that this situation will continue from one generation to the next.” remarked Dr. Mel Anoma, one of physicians who co-authored the report.
The report provoked immediate protests and denunciations (“dee*nuncy*ayshuns”), mostly from people who don’t understand mathematics, statistics or the concept of averages.
Reverend Jesse Jackson condemned the research and the publication of the results as “a mean spirited attempt to disenfranchise the hard-working men and women of the American underclass through disingenuous initiatives and specious methodologies.”
… Or something like that.
Tom Cruise offered a comment on the medical findings during his appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. “Personally, I don’t believe the results. It’s a proven fact that you can prove anything with statistics. Besides, even if there are any people who fall below the average, I am certain they are just suffering from vitamin deficiency. It’s a well known fact that taking the right vitamins can boost your IQ by 10 or more points in a nanosecond.”
Mr. Cruise seemed confused by Jay Leno’s quip, “Then why aren’t you taking them?”
The study gave no indication of what causes lie at the root of the intellectual deficiencies found in such a large part of the population. Medical practitioners have speculated that in any breeding population, “some people are just born to be boneheads.”
The current study tends to confirm the hypothesis.
Jessica Simpson, widely regarded to be the poster child for the dim-witted was philosophical on the issue. “Being a few clowns short of a circus isn’t really so tragic.” says the brainless beauty. “I’ve always contended that being too dumb to know what to worry about has its advantages. Take my brother, Bart, for example. He is pretty stupid but it don’t seem to worry him too much. But then again, what do I know?”