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心理学堂之Dealing with anger caused by bullying and.. (e-c)practice [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2009-5-11 20:02:19 |Display all floors
Anger
愤怒


Dealing with anger caused by bullying and harassment
处理由欺负和骚扰引起的愤怒

Also, anger caused by unresolved grief
以及未解决的悲痛引起的愤怒


On this page
本页内容


The cause of anger | Dealing with anger
愤怒的原因|处理愤怒
Strategies for dealing with anger
处理愤怒的方法
Unresolved grief as a source of anger
未解决的悲痛成为愤怒的源头
Anger statistics | More information and books
愤怒的统计数字|更多信息及书籍
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Post time 2009-5-11 20:03:08 |Display all floors
The  cause of anger
愤怒的原因

All targets of bullying get angry. This is "normal", for anger builds inside a person for months, sometimes for years. It is a feature of targets that they internalise their anger rather than express it. That is what we teach our children to do. Most often the cause of the anger is a bully who is a serial bully, a devious, manipulative, deceptive, a compulsive liar with a Jekyll and Hyde nature who can also be charming when required - especially when accountability needs to be evaded.

  一切被欺负的目标都会生气。这是“正常”的,因为愤怒在一个人内心已经积累的数月、有时候数年的时间。这是一个当目标人内化愤怒而不是表达出来时具有的一种特点。这是我们教我们的孩子去做的。多数时候,愤怒的原因是某个欺负者是一位连环欺负者,一个具有双重性格,当需要时(特别是在逃脱责任时的)可以变得有魅力的,狡猾,操纵,欺骗和强迫性的撒谎者。

Living or working with a serial bully can drive you mad. Although it feels like you're going insane, in most cases targets of bullying are completely sane but mad with anger. Bullying drives many people to suicide. Most people will experience prolonged negative stress which causes injury to health and over time becomes traumatising, resulting in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is a psychiatric injury, not a mental illness, despite some superficial similarity. To understand the difference, click here.

  与一位连环欺负者生活与工作会让你发疯。虽然感觉像是你将要发疯,可是在多数时候,欺负的目标者完全头脑清醒,他们是因为愤怒而疯狂。欺负会让许多人去自杀。多数人体验到的是长久消极压力。而这种压力会引起身体伤害,长期下来具有创伤特点,导致出现创伤后压力紊乱(PTSD)后者是一种心理伤口,尽管有一些表面相似之处,但却不是精神病。要理解区别,请点击这里。(注:原文链接)

What contributes most to anger is the bully's constant denial of what they said or did yesterday, plus the fact you can never hold a mature adult conversation with the person; the bully flits from topic to topic, denying everything, always blaming others, especially the target of bullying. It's like nailing jelly to a tree.

  让欺负者最为愤怒的是不断地欺负者不断在你自己昨天说过的话,做过事情,以及根不能不能让你和那个人进行成熟的、成年人的谈话;欺负者会对话题跳来跳去,否定一切,总是指责别人--特别是欺负目标。就好像要将烂泥扶上墙一样地不可能做到。

Bullies use anger to control their target. Weeks, months or years of provocation, taunting, denial and projection cause great anger even in the calmest people. Bullies know that they can tap into that anger whenever they like and use it to control their target, often by obtaining an inappropriate release of that anger.

  欺负者们用愤怒来控制他们的目标。数周、数月或数年的挑衅、嘲笑和投射会让最为镇定的人都产生巨大的愤怒。欺负者们知道自己只要愿意任何时候都能利用这种愤怒,并用它控制他们的目标人,经常,那是通过获得那种愤怒的一次不恰当释放。

The most maddening thing about dealing with an aggressive, dysfunctional serial bully is that nothing works. No matter what you try or what you say, nothing works. It's only when you realise that the bully has a different mindset from yourself and that he or she has the behaviour profile of the serial bully that this person's aggressive, disorganised, disordered behaviour starts to make sense. Even then, most people are trapped in their job (or their relationship) and cannot escape the bully. This aspect of captivity seems to be one of the main contributors to the development of PTSD.

  在对付一位侵犯、有障碍的连环欺负者时,最令人疯狂的一件事是:什么都不管用。不论你做什么、说什么,全都没用。只有当你意识到欺负者和你的想法不一样,他或她具有一位连环欺负者行为特征后(注:原文有链接),此人的侵犯性、瓦解和无章的行为才开始让人可以解释。即便那时候,多数人都会困于自己的工作(或关系中),无法逃离欺负者。这个“囚禁”(注:原文有链接)的方面似乎是促成PTSD的主要因素之一。
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Post time 2009-5-11 20:03:48 |Display all floors
Dealing with anger
处理愤怒


As a society we don't learn how to deal with anger, no-one teaches us, it's a taboo subject. I recommend Managing Anger by Gael Lindenfield - it's one of the few books on the subject, is practical and easy to read.

  作为社会来说,我们没有学过如何处理愤怒。没人教给我们,这是一个禁忌话题。我推荐由作者Gael Lindenfield所著的“Managing Anger"一书--这是对此话题为数不多的一本书,它实用、易读。

Bottling up anger is thought to be a cause of many types of illness, including cancer. I've come across many cases where a person has died from cancer and their partner (or close family member) is a psychopathic serial bully. See report at BBC News Online.

  把愤怒闷在心里面被认为是引起多种疾病的原因之一,包括有癌症。我曾遇到过许多情况下一个人死于癌症而他们的伴侣(或亲密家庭成员)是一位心理变态的连环欺负者(注:原文有链接)。参见:report at BBC News Online.(注:原文有链接)

Feeling angry is "normal" under the circumstances, however, the choice to be angry - or rather one's choice to express anger - is also an unwitting choice to allow the bully to continue to control you outside and beyond the experience.

  这个时候,感觉愤怒是”正常“的,不过,选择去愤怒(准确地说:选择去表达愤怒)则同样是去允许欺负者继续在这段体验发生时及过后进行控制的一个不明智选择。

One way of reducing the feelings of anger is, whenever you feel angry, say to my self, methodically and pedantically, "I feel angry, I have a right to be angry given what has happened, but when I get angry I'm allowing X [the bully] to continue to control me by tapping into my anger and using it to provoke an inappropriate reaction. I can choose not to express anger and instead retain control by not getting angry." This takes some doing but it does help to quell the angry feelings, especially when you can channel them into motivating you to do something constructive. Anger can be a powerful motivating force, provided you can harness it and direct it towards achieving your objectives in life. A bullying experience is an opportunity for defining or reviewing your goals.

  一个减少愤怒感觉的方法是不论什么时候感到愤怒,都对自己将方法地,”装模作样“地说,”我感到愤怒,据发生的情况,我有权愤怒,但是当我发火,我就在让 X【欺负者】利用我的愤怒,用它来激发(我做出)一个不适合的反应,从而来继续控制我。我可以选择不表达愤怒,相反通过不愤怒来重新获得控制权“这可需要下一些功夫,但是确实能帮助压制愤怒心情,尤其在你能将它们疏导来为你做一些由建设性的事情提供动力的时候帮助更大。如果你能驾驭愤怒,将它朝着生活目标指引,愤怒可以做为一种强大的动力。一段遭受欺负的经历是一个定义或重申你目标的机会。

I believe half the population are angry from being bullied or harassed or abused; click here to see if this fits your experience in life. Many emailers and callers to my UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line are dealing with a violent or abusive partner, sometimes as well as a serial bully at work. Bully OnLine provides insight and practical information to validate the abuse people are experiencing; the sound of relief is often almost audible!

  我相信半数人都因为受过欺负、骚扰或虐待而产生了愤怒,点击此处(注释:原文有链接)了解这一情况是否自己的经历。英国全国职场抵制欺负帮助建议热线的许多来电来函者面对的是一个充满暴力或虐待的对象,有时候还有工作中的连环欺负者。Bully OnLine(注释:原文有链接)提供详尽、实用的信息来证实人们体验到的虐待;”轻松的声音“几乎可以听见!
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Post time 2009-5-11 20:04:41 |Display all floors
Strategies for dealing with anger
对付愤怒的策略


All targets of bullying (including abuse, harassment, stalking etc) have a lot of locked-up anger which is very difficult to contain. Small irritations tend to set off an explosive release. These triggers can come wittingly or unwittingly from our adversaries or from our friends and colleagues.

  在一切欺负的目标(虐待、骚扰和跟踪等等在内)的内心中都有一肚子难以忍受的愤怒。微小烦恼往往就会引起一次大爆发。这些触发可能有意无意地来自欺负者、或我们的朋友和同事。

Anger is a beast that controls you. When you express it you lose control. Bullies know this, it's why they constantly provoke you. By expressing anger you are thus choosing to allow the bully to control your actions long after the experience. The expression of anger can become like a drug because of the pleasurable feeling that comes with the exercise of power and control. Good people will often then feel guilty, which replenishes the anger for the next time.

  愤怒是一头控制你的野兽。当你表达它,你就失去控制。欺负者们知道这一点,这就是为什么他们不断地对你挑衅。通过表达愤怒,你就选择了让欺负者在这次经历结束很久之后仍控制着你的行为。因为在实施权利和控制时伴随的愉悦感,所以表达愤怒就变得像毒品一样。好人在往往在后会感到愧疚,这会对下一次的愤怒进行的补充。


Try these:
试着:

1) Get an empty plastic milk container or similar and jump up and down on it until it becomes a two-dimensional object. Do this in private otherwise you may get a visit from two men in white coats.

1)拿来一只空的、塑料牛奶罐子,或类似的东西,然后在上面跳,直到它成为扁平。私底下进行,否则会有两个穿白大褂的男人来探望你。

2) Save up all your empty bottles and visit the bottle bank. The sound of breaking glass is so soothing, especially when you are doing the breaking. Do NOT experiment on your neighbour's windows.

2)将所有空玻璃瓶保留下来,然后去玻璃瓶回收箱。打破玻璃的声音十分令人舒心,特别打破它们的人是你。不要对你的邻居的窗户做试验。

3) Talk things through with your counsellor and therapist.

3)和你的医疗室、咨询师谈论

4) Empower yourself with knowledge and insight and learn defensive phrases such as "I'm sorry you choose to feel like that" - see action/words.htm if you haven't already.

4)用知识和看法来武装自己,学习例如:“很抱歉,你选择那样感受”这样的防御语句,如果还没有的话,可参见行为/词(注:原文有链接)

5) Take time to rebuild your boundaries so that it's harder for people to pull your triggers (wittingly or unwittingly).

5)花时间重建你的边界,这样别人激将(有意或无意)就不那么容易了。

6) Every time you have a negative thought force yourself to say repeatedly "I am responsible, I am responsible.." (not for the source of the anger, but for your response to the emergence of your anger)

6)每次当有一个消极想法,强迫让自己反复说:“我负责,我负责..”(不是指负责愤怒的源头,而是对自己的愤怒出现做出的反应)

7) Read Gael Lindenfield's book Managing anger and Mike Fisher's book Beating anger

7)阅读Gael Lindenfield的”Managing anger"和 Mike Fisher的“Beating anger"一书

8) Cut contact with all the negative people in your life - if this is not possible (eg the bully is a close relative) then minimise contact, practice verbal self-defence and read Patricia Evans' book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". See www.patriciaevans.com and www.verbalabuse.com and www.drirene.com

8)切断和你的生活中消极人们的联系--如果这不可能(例如,欺负者是一位近亲),那么最小接触量,练习语言自我防御,阅读 Patricia Evans的”The Verbally Abusive Relationship"一书,访问www.patriciaevans.com and www.verbalabuse.com and www.drirene.com

9) Rediscover your integrity which has taken a battering and work regularly on rebuilding it, strengthening it and practising it.

9)重新发现自己那颗已遭受了重创的正直心,不断努力重建它、巩固它、练习它。

10) Concentrate on what YOU want to do with your life. Whilst everyone has the right to take legal action to obtain compensation for detriment, because the law is so weak there's a good case for deciding on *either* committing yourself to several years of legal action (ie more bullying and reliving your experience repeatedly), *or* focusing on your strengths (which are considerable - that's what attracted the bully in the first place, remember?) and carving out a new career for yourself. In most cases it won't take many years to earn more than you might have got through the courts.

10)关注“你”(自己)希望自己的生活。虽然每个人都有为损害获得赔偿的权利,可是因为法律薄弱,人们很有一个理由要去决定“是”:花自己数年的时间投入法律行动(例如:更多欺负行为,反复重新经历),“还是”:关注于自己的强项(有很多,记得吗?它们是首先一开始吸引了那位欺负者的东西)并为自己开创一份新事业。在多数时候,这没有你打官司所花的时间还长。
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Post time 2009-5-11 20:06:52 |Display all floors
Another source of anger - unresolved grief
愤怒另一个源头--未解决的悲痛


As a society we are often hopeless at dealing with grief at the loss of a loved one. Admonitions that "you've got to move on with your life" or similar may be well meant but they do not recognise the depth of loss that people, especially children, feel after the death of someone close to them. Grief comprises many symptoms, including anger which is directed at the person who has died and caused so much pain by dying. It's an odd feeling to have but is a normal part of grief. Most people then feel guilty for feeling anger at the person who has died. The process of mourning helps us deal with these natural feelings which also include sadness, loss, undeservingness, unworthiness, guilt, and more. When a person does not grieve properly these feelings are internalised and end up as inwardly-directed anger. This builds more anger and the process repeats until the person experiences depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.

  作为社会,我们经常在处理(别人)丧失了所爱的一个人时表现束手无策。像“你要继续生活”或类似的劝诫也许是好意,但是它们却没有认识到到那些人,尤其是孩子,在自己某一位亲密人死亡后所感到的巨大损失。悲痛包括有许多症状,包括,愤怒,(这时它)指向已经死去的或者死亡时造成太多痛苦的人身上的愤怒。虽然这是一种奇怪的感觉,但是这属于悲痛的一个正常部分。多数人在对已经死了的人感到愤怒时还会感到愧疚。哀悼的过程会帮助我们处理这些自然感受,它们还包括:悲伤、茫然、不应该有这样的结果、不配有这样的结果、愧疚及更多。当一个人没有正确地去悲痛,这些感受会内化,最终,成为朝自身的愤怒。愤怒会积累,过程会重复,直到此人出现抑郁,自我伤害及自杀念头。



Statistics from the British Association of Anger Management

英国愤怒管理协会的统计数字

    * 25% of the workforce experiences office rage
    * 25%的劳动者有过办公室暴怒
    * 23% of staff feel extreme anger at work
    * 23%的员工作时感到了极端愤怒
    * 5% of employees suffer from severe stress
    * 5%的员工体验了极端压力
    * At least 15% of workers suffer depression (some studies suggest 30%)
    * 至少15%的员工有过抑郁(有些研究认为有30%)
    * Staff absenteeism costs on average £700 per employee per annum
    * 每年员工旷工成本为平均700英镑/人
    * 18 days are lost each year due to anger and stress-related illness
    * 每年因为愤怒和压力相关疾病损失的时间为18天


More information

更多信息


My pages on self harm and suicide.

  在我的网页上关于“自我伤害”和“自杀”(注:原文有链接)

Full behaviour profile of the serial bully including links and articles on psychopaths and sociopaths as well as personality disorders.

  连环欺负者的完整行为概括,包括性格紊乱、精神病患者和反社会的链接和文章。

For dealing with an abusive partner or family member, I recommend Patricia Evans' book The verbally abusive relationship. Patricia Evans has her own web site.

  因对虐待的家庭成员或伴侣,我推荐Patricia Evans的“The verbally abusive relationship"一书。Patricia Evans有自己的网站。

British Association of Anger Management (BAAM).(链接)

Anger Management Techniques(链接)

Anger Management(链接)

Angry teenagers 'risking health'(链接)

Beating Anger: the eight-point plan for coping with rage, Mike Fisher, ISBN 184413564-0, Rider, 2005.

Managing anger: positive strategies for dealing with difficult emotions, Gael Lindenfield, Thorsons, ISBN 0722527152.

Living or working with a person who fits the profile of the serial bully will make result in a great deal of anger; if you are living or working with or for a serial bully then these books may also prove useful:

  和一位符合连环欺负者状况的人生活和工作会产生大量愤怒;如果你在和一位连环欺负者生活或工作,下面的书也许会带来帮助:

Without conscience: the disturbing world of the psychopaths among us, Robert D Hare, The Guilford Press, 1999, ISBN 1-57230-451-0. Mostly about serial killers but the behaviour profile is the same.

  大部分是关于连环杀手,但是行为特征都一样。

The standard work on psychopathy which describes at length the damage a psychopath causes to families and to the community is The mask of

  作为精神病话题的标准作品,详述了一位精神病患者对家人和社区引起的伤害是由Hervery Clekley(C V Mosby Publishing出版,第五版,1976)“The mask of sanity"。

sanity by Hervey Cleckley (C V Mosby Publishing, Fifth Edition, 1976). It's still in print and if you're dealing with a serial bully it's essential reading.

  依然在印刷,如果你在应对一位连环欺负者,这是一本必读。

First written in 1941 it's rather long and the language is at times quaint but it's as insightful today as it was then.

  第一版写于1941年,虽然内容十分长,语言有时候古老,但是其中的见解却不减当年。


(the end)


[ Last edited by hly_2010 at 2009-5-11 08:16 PM ]
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