Author: adolaowai

a black guy dating a chinese girl, normal, magnificent, scary or BT  Close [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2006-9-10 06:53:38 |Display all floors
Originally posted by adolaowai at 2006-8-15 21:08
Hi everyone, just want to hear your opinion about black guys dating chinese girls.

Same as white guy dating chinese girl

Same as latin guy dating chinese girl

It's all about orientalism stereotype and western racism of asian hemisphere

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Post time 2006-9-12 18:20:33 |Display all floors

"It's all about orientalism stereotype and ...

What?? Once more but this time making sense please...

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Post time 2006-10-19 06:56:02 |Display all floors

You are not the only one

Originally posted by dkscott at 2006-9-3 01:10
Hello all,
I'm a chinese girl and is currently in a relationship with a black guy. We've been dating for a year now which I'm really happy about because we are very happy together. Unfortunately  ...

Hello DK, if you really feel he is the one, then you can break loose from your family and go live your life. But before you do so, please think carefully. Are you financially independent? Are you really sure he is the one? What plans and dreams do you have in the future? Will you be able to handle the pressure from your family and continue to lead a possible estranged life from them?

Chinese families can be very racist especially to blacks. I know this from hard experience. I was in your situation two years ago, although we had been going out for a few months instead of a year. I summed up the encourage to tell my family I have found the right guy to settle down with but they were totally against me marrying a black man. The comments, recriminations, threats, emotional upheaval, very negative things were said to me. I had all members of the family dissuading me and threatening to ostracise me...etc

In the end I chose my black man ahead of my chinese family. We have been married for two years, have a beautiful blackinese girl, and we are content.  Only my mum and bro are still talking to me: no one else in my family wants to know.

Some people don't know whether I am brave or foolish - maybe both?!  I've always maintained a steady head and followed my heart. Not many people can take that leap but they are out there somewhere.

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Post time 2006-10-20 23:44:17 |Display all floors

I envy you

I'm so happy to hear that you have a nice family with the man you chose and the little baby blackinese daughter!!!
I'd say you are brave. At the same time I think it is natural to take control of your life. Marry anybody you love is just the way it is in life, but my mum seems to think dating people is not good because the other half will not be serious...etc so she expect me to have one straight relationship with somebody and get marry as the end result without doubt. I kept convincing her that this is not likely to happen and that there isn't much problem in searching for "the one" by different experiences... I'm not prepared to do the same as you just yet as my boyfriend and I are still young, but the fact I'm annoyed with is that their ignorance and closed minded behaviour. All they tell me is that I've affect them so badly that it hurts them alot and makes them very depressed just because I'm with a black man. They do not care about other things such as personlity but because he is black............. I cannot get my head around it to why they can't just accept the fact he is not chinese. So far I'm ok with handling the pressure from my family  but it affects me more than any of my family. All they think about it them, but they have not consider me. My parent's have had their experiences when they were young, their parents were not strict to them in the same way they do to me, they have chosen their marrage and have kids, happy family. But why do they have to stop me? Just based on skin colour? Why will I regret with dating someone with a different skin colour to me? What is their perspective towards happy family?

I just feel so tired of them sticking their nose into what I'm doing, I just think if I'm going to marry to my boyfriend in the future, none of my family would talk to me........ or actually.. they'll pretend I've never existed.

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Post time 2006-10-21 01:25:55 |Display all floors
Hi Dksctt

You would think that chinese parents having had exposure to the Western way of life would open up their minds a bit but it doesn't always work out that way. I have accepted that they will always be prejudiced. It's their way of thinking. They were taught and led to believe and their mind is too set in their ways to see beyond the black skin is another human who has a personality, a history, hopes and dreams like all of us.

They are old-fashioned to believe that the first boyfriend is the one to marry and settle down with. I think in the old days in China, people married young and stayed together because it produced many advantages. A partnership would be formed economically and there will be children to carry on the namesake. However, they must realise the world has changed these days. Both genders are more independent financially and we can think for ourselves at an earlier age. We have more information within easy reach. People are moving about in the world - see you're no longer residing in China your homeland! These means greater exposure to other peoples.

This independence means that when a relationship doesn't work, we can leave it and move on. In those older days, a broken relationship was scandalous and almost unheard of. Society pressures meant people were moulded to act a certain way otherwise they'll be ostracised. With no source of income and no welfare state, leaving a marriage was not viable for most people.

Your life is to live as it is. Most chinese parent raise their children well but they need to realise that we grow up to be adults and we need to start our own familes. They are exerting control to what pleases them and not what pleases you. Unfortunately the downside of chinese families is the gossip and shame they feel if you do something that does not comply to their sometimes ridiculous mindsets.

A human life feels short if you are happy but when you are miserable it can seem very long. You seem a level headed girl and I am sure you have thought of the pros and cons. Letting fears take over is not good. Sometimes relationships do fail and you will fall down. It's not the end of your world. We are resilient and can bounce back. It might be hard but what won't kill you will make you stronger. Your man seems genuine and nice. Take it steady and see what happens. Concentrate on your studies first! Don't be envious of me. I did what I had to do at great cost but it's for my happiness.

[ Last edited by china_gal at 2006-10-22 03:52 AM ]

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Post time 2006-10-21 04:04:04 |Display all floors

aww *huggles*

When having the "usual" arguements about the same subject with my parents, they usually give alot of their "reasons" which contradict each other makes me feel I shouldn't listen to them. My friends all said that I have been "brainwashed" by my parents and my parents on the otherhand said I shouldn't listen to my friends who said such thing to me. How would you have answered if your parents said that they are only trying to guide you in the right path? My parents think that what they like me to do is the right path as parents will never harm their children...

Like you said, I'm also accepted that they will always be prejudiced that is why I'm now keeping my private life away from them, one way it keeps them "happy" and the other hoping they will realise what they are doing... *sigh*

ooo one thing, when I told my mum that my relationship matters are a personal thing, she got offended straight away.... how should I treat this? She got all worked up about it and started crying and want to chuk me out of the house just because I say something is personal, she took it as I don't want her to care for me anymore... but that is not what I intended... mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

To be honest, I'm really really tired of dealing with them because they are suffercating me with their unreasonable thoughts and actions. I did think of moving away when my mum *offered* the choice of kicking me out, but of course I didn't.... I wonder whether she has ever think why I didn't move out.........

oooo another thing just popped out of my head.. is that my parents made an example if I got married to my boyfriend, but lost my family and relatives because of it, will I still feel happy? well do you feel truly happy, as you are married to the one you love but your family kind of ignores you................................

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Post time 2006-10-21 17:34:49 |Display all floors

Chinagal & Dkscott

Quite interesting conversation you ladies are having. Chinagal, you articulate yourself very well and seem to see things from a balanced and universal view point. I think the notion that you have accepted your family may never change and just continue to have a prejudiced view is a good way to handle things.. Dkscott, sometimes hoping for them to change may just tire you out... so you did the right thing keeping your private life to yourself. I think not moving out can be seen as a good move! Shows your love for your parents, your fortitude and just maybe ..financially you aren't able to be independent yet anyway (hehehe). I can empathise with your situation since I have had chinese gf in the past..but nothing long or solid enough for face a deluge of opposition and resistance.

Dkscott, one great thing China_gal mentioned is your education! That's so vitally important i think..would also advantageous help your case if accomplished with flying colours.

I feel you two are like heroes ..standing up for what you believe in. Chinagal have you written many articles about your experiences? your post is just so well written and argued that I am thinking of  using your work as a guide for 'Good literary skills'.. :-). Also, from your posts seems you have been through the cycle of facing the problem → being overwhelmed by the problem → overcame the problem and hence become stronger than before. I think opponents to interracial patnership and/or rascists would think twice before taking you on in argument!

Okay, just wanted to contribute to the thread. Dkscott hope you can find continued source of strength and fortitude. You are great I think. your bf and friends must admire you. Chinagal, your husband and child must be truly blessed

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