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I am being serious here, though i like putting 'lol' to make myself sound less serious..=P...what i posted here is the truth, the only truth i have towards my life..and i have a negative outlook in relationship/marriage/sex!! Below is part of my story.
I think there are many reasons that make me so negative these days..I dont want to recall them one by one, cos by doing that, I wont be able to change myself into an innocent girl. I like screwing around, and I know it is a bad thing for a girl at my age, I just start my life, but I have already fucked it up!! My life is a tragedy, I was born to suffer all these things...Its a mistake to be here I think...
You were not me, You didnt experience what I have experienced before, its all bad things, I cant say that I have had much good time since I was born. Maybe the only good thing is that I can escape from my family in China..and start a new life in Oz?! I can be away from the shitty, hateful, angry, absurd shanghai...thank God!!
I still remember the first time i ever had sex with a man, i was by then 17yo...I didnt know the exact intention behind that first sexual attempt. I just wanted to lose my virginity, I dont want to lose it to someone tht I love later on, cos i know i wont be able to be with the guy who I love..So its better to lose it to a stranger, so no emotional attachments!! Yes, So here I was, I picked my hairdresser, and I screwed him, and left him once I got what i want! He was pissed off by this. I then thought I was no more a virgin, and free to do whatever I like..
ONS, I started this after breaking up with my bf, who is again 30 yrs older than me, he is the only man who i have deeply and madly in love with..but there are again lots of obstacles between us, so split-up seems to be the only exit for us. I was so depressed, I committed suicide, but it didnt end my life..maybe breaking up with my ex has been the turning point in my life, since he has moved on with his life so fast, which is unbelievable, he is even engaged few mths ago!! I get shocked, I feeel that I got fooled by him, though I confess that I am stll in love with him, I start to dislike men, I sleep aroound, and play with those assholes...believe or not, I do climax quite often with those strangers, I dont know why...I love when they look at me so horny, and flirt with me, and fuck me hard...I guess its not nice thing to say, but i really like seeing myself in front of a mirror and being screwed by them..I laugh at myself in the mirror...I feel so good that I am getting more and more dirty after this ons...I always feel being unwanted, its always like that, sometimes, ons is a way to feel being wanted, though its just for one night, at least that one night, i am wanted by a man regardless what he is after me...
crying...holiday....i cry too often till i have sore eyes lately..=(...i dont know why i cry...doctor said that i am suffering emotional disorder, and gave me the medication, but i havent taken it yet...maybe i am really have some psychological problem...sometimes...i put a thick layer of wasabi on the bread..and force msyelf eat it all!! then I can feel the tears falling down..i dont know why i do that...i enjoy walking in the raining days...feeling the rain drops go thru my whole body..my veins...i guess i am kinda insane..though i find an execuse for mysef 'the only way to be sane is to go a bit crazy'..maybe i am a bit over done!!...yes...when comes to sex, i love to be spanked and whipped, i love to feel the pains...the pains deep into bones..and it can reminds me of my existence...reminds me how dirty i am, how pathetic i am, how helpless i am...and..pleasure can be so sinful....
holiday, i am sorry that my english is so broken, and i really dont know what i can say here...i just feel like a lost kid...i dont know where i am heading to...i am just so slutty you may say, i always have curiosu in guys...and i do use guys for sex in order to make myself dirty...so no one will ever like or love me...and i will be alone for good...i am cursed..my birth isnt blessed by others...its a mistake...and i will continue with this mistake...about ons...its been part of my life...i seperate my flesh and soul when comes to ons, i have a wickd soul...and a dirty flesh..and one day..i will end my life somewhere...
yes, i am not a lover, or saint, am a slut and devil...
thanks for reading the rubbish above...