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I have boned my way through a dozen Chinese cities and I've been with all types of girls, Chinese girls. But the ultimate experience has to be the one with a special girl called Ah May. |
Allow me to share the story of Ah May. Relax in your chair, pour yourself a glass of beverage, and adjust your eyewear (if any).
It all began on a windswept afternoon in the park. It was my second day in Beijing and I was taking in the sights, sounds and smells of a new city. I hugged my collar closer around my cold-numbed ears as I searched about for photo opportunities.
And there, sitting atop a rock, was the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on. Without alerting my prey, I slowly lifted the camera to my eye and snapped off a shot. The flash alerted her, as her head whipped gracefully around in my direction, dragging a long stream of black hair with it. She settled her unnervingly direct gaze upon me and, upon spying the face of the world's most handsome man, unleashed a smile like a billion supernovas exploding in unison. My heart squeezed, I couldn't speak, except to say "Ni hao".
She simply slid off her rock and glided towards me, moving across the ground like molasses rolling downhill. When she reached me, she stood before me, her eyes nearly on a level with my own. She was tall, slim, with pert *beep* straining the fabric of her low-cut black jumper. I tore my eyes away from my brief appraisal of her creamy-smooth cleavage and looked her in the eye.
"I speak English," she said. That was enough for me. Her voice rang like a series of church bells celebrating the end of World War I. I took her by the hand and.... to cut a long story short, had my way with her, quickly fell into a routine of hooking up, having dinner and then "dessert" and then sending her home to mum and dad's. Soon we started arguing, I read her diary, in which she was so pleased to have bagged a rich walking wallet and passport opportunity. I was disappointed and broke up with her. She then stalked me for a year before I had her taken care of.
Now I'm with a dumpy lady from Ohio twice my age whom I met at WWW.SINOYUAN.COM, a website for expats but at least she doesn't want my passport or my money, just my youthful body with it's suitably-sized appendages.
And that's the lowdown on dating!