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relationship based on love or responsibility? [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 1

Post time 2005-1-5 11:03:59 |Display all floors
many thanks to everyone here. you really help me a lot. you know, i don't want to discuss this matter  with my friends. because i know it is useless, just cause sb's pity or sth else. but i really want to say. and really when i read your posts i could not help crying. you are objective and helpful. this is really a long journey  when sufferring a lot.  i still have no definite answer. but i must walk along the road. thank you again.

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Post time 2005-1-5 11:28:03 |Display all floors

I think initially it is based on Love but later things changes to Responsibiliti

I think dressing up to look good for your man is something to be proud off. To know one weaknesses & change for the better is for goodness.
Things must be different at different time to make life interesting!!!
Life is a long journey.

I think 10 years is enough to know each other well & adaptable to each other for it is time to get Married!!!

i don't think you have another 10 years "passing" through time
waiting for magic to happen.

Kind regards

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-1-5 13:05:03 |Display all floors

love with responsibility

You can say that you still love each other after ten years being together, but such love is no longer as strong as before. That's natural for each couple.

Love and responsibility is sometimes a mixture.

When the strong and magic feeling of love passed, you cannot say that love no longer exists. You can only say that such love is without passion any more.

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Post time 2005-1-5 13:18:36 |Display all floors

Destructive relationships

Rebecca,

I am an older Canadian male, and would like to give you my impression of your situation from a western point of view.

Do not try to change for your boyfriend, neither he nor you will be happy with the changes. You will not be happy because it is not the real you, and he will not be happy because if he really loved you he would be looking beyond your physical appearance by now. He is using this as an excuse.

When you say  "sometimes i really hate him because at this turn point, he makes my life miserable and makes me lose my confidence and pride.", it sounds as it you are in a destructive relationship. Both angry with each other and bringing the other down. You and he cannot be your best in this type of relationship, relationships need to be constructive, where both partners make each other feel wanted and needed, where they can build each other up and make them feel good about themselves.

It's tough to move on, but sometimes it's the best thing to do. Find someone who appreciates you for who and what you are.

Take care and good luck, Willie

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Post time 2005-1-5 22:26:29 |Display all floors

everyone changes

Your words remind me my wife's talking. I think sometime women just don't get this (no offences)-- AS TIME GOES BY, EVERYBODY CHANGES!!  If you want to keep up with the person you love, you have to change. I don't mean this is the excuse to break away from your marriage, what I meant is that you need to change to make your marriage better.

For example, as a bachelor, you don't do any housework, but when you start a family, there will be endless jobs to do. You cann't just say I haven't done that for past 25 years, so I won't do it now.

The same applies to your situation, in my opinion, what your boyfriend wants about your looking is normal. It is good for youself too. You don't have to be so defensive. Making changes for the one you love is not a shame. In fact, I think he might have changed a lot just for you, to keep you happy!

Maybe, 10 years is long enough to know each other well, especially the bad bits of your "the other half". But it might not be enough to know your own weakness. To be more positive and more constructive, you might find it easier to get on with your BF. So as long as  you think your love, your feeling haven't changed, you should try harder.

Good luck

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Post time 2005-1-5 23:23:00 |Display all floors

fair and just? give or take? you or me? . . .

It's been 10 years together. If you can't view his suggestions from a positive perspective, something is really wrong in the relationship.  I doubt you are using the word "love" too liberally!

Is love just a 4-letter word composing of "l, o, v, e"?

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Post time 2005-1-6 00:35:35 |Display all floors

love and responsibility

you two have been together for ten years, but your relationship started to get worse and worse several years ago, i assume. no one knows better than yourself your feelings and the relationship between you two.

if you know what is wrong, and you still want to keep the relationship, you should make a change of yourself a little. he may have changed from good to better, but you have made little change or have changed to the opposite. just as you said, you don't want to change your character as you are proud. it is the lack of communication and the fear of being rejected that often undermines a good relationship. it is the tolerance and patience that build a good relationship. if you are proud, you can remain single all your life and appreciate yourself, if you want to love a man and share with him the life experience, you will learn to accept him and his life. arrogance and self-centredness are harmful.

love should be refreshed by more efforts to better the two parties involved so that the future family and marriage can be hopeful. love is not to have a family and to have children or to be the same as others...

from your description, you have become dependant on him for everything, and you have lost your identity. you expect him to be responsible for you, for what he has done, for what he has promised.... but you know that he seems to be not prepared for the family, because in his eyes, you can't be a good wife, a good mother...you may be fussy, cross, nitpicking or nagging???

you can try to communicate with him or consult professionals on your problems. or you can travel with him to a different place, or make a change of your life to see if there is some hope.

but if he is determined , you can suggest to be away from him. some distance can give you two some time to think it over. or you can suggest to break up with him to see what his real intention is. if he is happy to break up with you, you should not hate him, as to give him a chance means a chance for you, as well.

just as a poster said, the relationship should be constructive rather than destructive. you should marry for hope, and love not for responsiblity or for your parents' sake or for a long time relationship sake, otherwise, you will lose a good chance to choose a man who wants to have a baby with you and appreciate you.

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