I learned of the mistress-dispelling business in China from a recent BBC podcast. Behind this industry are mostly wives in distress, who decide to resort to the so-called love detectives to get their cheating husbands back.

It’s an uncomfortable 30 minutes, listening to the documentary. Some of the contents haunt me.

First, this company and its employees believe that while they are fighting a moral cause (to separate the husbands from their mistresses), they can do whatever it takes as all actions would be justifiable, including setting up honey-traps for the mistresses to get sex videos or photos as evidence.

Second, there are vigilante groups against the mistresses. They punish the mistresses (commonly known as Xiaosan, or Little Third in literal translation in Chinese) in ways like stripping them naked on the streets or beat them up. Though the wives admit that their husbands made mistakes, they think the Xiaosans are solely to blame as homewreckers who should all be sentenced to death for the sake of family harmony.

What the new business reflects is not only a moral problem, but a deep-rooted social problem.

One may reasonably wonder, why don’t the women leave their unfaithful husbands, and why would someone willingly choose to be a mistress?

For the first question, one obvious reason might be love as is mentioned by one wife in the podcast. Women in the 40s or 50s think their chances of finding another partner are slim once they leave their husbands. Some would also argue that they are keeping the family intact (seemingly) for the benefits of their children.

Other likely reasons include the stigma still attached to divorce, especially for women and women’s fear of their inability to support themselves after years of staying at home.

The second question baffles me. I understand from hearsay that these women stay with the married men mainly for financial reasons. Men who are able to keep mistresses are rich and/or powerful. They can provide the mistresses (relatively young ladies) with a luxurious lifestyle which they can’t afford themselves or from a peer boyfriend. When asked is it possible that love is in the equation, most people are dubious.

It seems that the problems are mostly caused by men, but it is women who bear the brunt of the aftermath. (I don’t know what to say about the mistresses. But knowingly get involved with married people romantically goes against the principles I stand by.)

Many women are still not independent enough to walk away when in such situations, even when they are, they may not out of different considerations. Traditional thinking and cultural traditions have their shares in holding women back. The good thing is, changes are happening though slowly. More and more young women are rejecting the common idea that women belong at home. They are not shy to say they are ambitious. Because being strong yourself is more reliable than securing a husband.

All in all, love is free but marriage means commitment. People both in and out of the marriage should respect that commitment. And most importantly, we should all learn to love ourselves before we learn to love others.