As a matter of fact, I don't know what I want to write down here.

I don't know where to start, either.

(1)

I experienced a relatively short period of helplessness and powerlessness at the very beginning of this year. I was negative, pessimistic, disoriented, disappointed and depressed. Fortunately, I was quite sensitive to my emotion and more importantly was rather active in seeking a way out of this spiritual marsh as I was extremely afraid I would be stuck increasingly deeply in the mud of marsh without being able to break myself away from it in the end no matter how hard I try.

I attempted to talk with people I deeply trusted, to read psychological books to understand myself, to watch movies and to write. Writing has always been of unique meaning to me. The most significant reason why I write is because in the past with both my parents constantly away, I need an outlet for my emotion be it positive or negative. But, now I utilize it as a means to get to know myself and in the meantime to keep a record of the changes in my thoughts.

When still slightly depressed, I wrote the blog titled as “Fear” which so far has had more than 20,000 readings and many warm as well as heart-felt comments. This actually surprised me a bit as I thought it was typically cliche. No matter what, I thank those who have read it and those who have offered me sound advice.

After surviving that minor crisis, I have shifted the focus of my life to try to stay happy. Not long ago, I reckoned it completely wrong to drown myself in materialistic enjoyment. I felt stupid to let myself be slaves to glamorous goods displayed everywhere. Even though I hate to admit this, there is no way I can figure out a solution to resist the temptation from materials. Especially in this information era, the competition between online store and physical store is more than fierce with both of them endeavoring to provide not only quality but also reasonably-priced goods. Other than this, I simply can't move my feet every time I notice there are discounts in malls or department stores. This gets even more serious when my peers or friends have a binge of shopping. Truth be told, I feel small and hopeless in front of the diverse and smart promotion activities held by a variety of companies.

(2)

In addition to that, like many people, I am really afraid of death. Some people may say it is a bit hilarious to be so afraid of death at my age. Actually scratch that. I am always afraid that bad things may happen like plane crash, gunshot or car accidents. I think being exposed to too much negative news or information must be held partly accountable for this. I have once read a research which can back up this statement.

In my personal opinion, I don't think this sort of fear has anything to do with age. Rather, it has everything to do with our experience and reasoning and perhaps attitude towards life as well. I don't find fear of death funny at all as facing death is an issue we all should learn to deal with our whole life. To some extent, life is constantly seeing people off at the terminal to paradise or to hell if they do exist. Departing like this is extremely miserable especially when we see beloved people off.

But it has its upside. This sort of fear drives me to value my life and to value my time with my beloved family my parents in particular and friends.

(3)

Being a parent is the most difficult but also seemingly most enjoyable job in this world. ( I can't really give this a conclusion as I have no experience) Recently, I have been reading books written by a well-known writer from Taiwan called Long Yingtai. She wrote a book about how innocent, adorable and naughty her eldest son is. I have to admit this book called “Kid, Take Your Time” has pictured a great vision for being a parent.

I have been bombarded with too much negative information concerning how difficult it is to be a parent. It gives me a headache when I think about the financial burden, the sacrifice of free time and the sleepless nights. But this book actually views being a parent under quite positive light, which makes me feel it is really great to be able to parent a kid. Or is it just because human beings are genetically programmed to have this sort of feeling?

It is extremely difficult to be a parent. No matter what culture we are in, parents tend to devote themselves to loving their kids and to trying to provide the best in this world for their kids. But these are not necessarily what their children need or want. And in many cases, children complain about their parents.

Chinese parents are generally controlling to varying degrees though. They use what they believe is right to guide their children’s life or to put in a more appropriate way to arrange their children’s life. Many of them control their children like they control a kite in the sky by dragging the string in the hand. By letting go of the string, they are afraid that the kite will simply fly away without looking back.

On the side of children, their personality is squeezed. They feel like puppets controlled by parents. Many of them are lost and not happy. This is really sad as with so much done, nobody seems to be happy.

I myself have fought for the fight of independence for a long time. Even though I am 100% sure it is essential to give space for children to develop their independence and self-discipline, I am not sure whether I can actually let go of my children in the future if I have any. I found it extremely difficult when I had to give my Corgi to one of my relatives so that it can be taken better care of. Of course, this is different from letting go of a kid. But the emotion involved can be similar in my perspective.

Parents may be blamed for this. But I think there are many other reasons involved in this such as culture. Culture is in our blood. It influences what we think and how we behave.

I have once read “culture is skin deep”. However I think culture is bone deep.

(4)

For almost thirty years in this world, one of the most important lessons I have learnt is to let go of those who don't like me. I had always taken others’ opinions seriously either because of my sensitive personality or because of the collectivism at the core of Chinese culture.

Due to this, many times I had to walk gingerly like walking on eggshell. I had always been too cautious around people. It was extremely exhausting. What was worse was that I found that wary as I was, people were not necessarily happy with me. It was rather disheartening.

As a teacher, I have encountered with students who don't like my teaching method -(not enough test-taking techniques are taught in their opinions) and students who don't like being critiqued by me due to the fact that they tend to exhaust ways to find a shortcut to pass English test as soon as possible like buying answers online or find somebody else to take the exam for them.

Honestly, it really hurts to hear something like that no matter it is directly said to me or not. It stings all the same. But have I really done something wrong? Should I doubt myself because they dislike me? Should I change to cater to their tastes? Doesn't it make me a clown?

Gradually, I have learnt to let go of those people’s critics of and doubts about me. I start to focus more on how I feel instead of on how other people think of me. Because I have realized that sometimes no matter what I do, it seems there are always people waiting there to point out the blemishes. Because there is not even one perfect person. Perfection is

simply a lie probably fabricated by people who desire to drive us to consume more and to work harder. why bother trying to change other people’s opinions when what they think of me has little to do with my actual life.

This enlightenment has led me to more freedom as well as more happiness.

With fragmented time, I don't want to lead a fragmented life in this fragmented world.

I don't desire extraordinary success, which invariably comes with great sacrifice.

I don't want fame, which is usually gained at the cost of privacy and pressure.

I am not eager to rise to be a millionaire overnight which is too dreamy and too surreal.

All I want in this world is nothing but an ordinary life.