What is the most important thing in a good marriage? What makes a marriage go on? As a married woman, I should have had my own answers. However, it seems that I am really confused. The question has been lingering in my mind recently. And the incentive for this question is all because of my two friend’s experiences.
The first friend married to a Chenguan城管，a sub-police who does the job for the city management several years ago. Life goes smoothly for her and they soon had their lovely little baby girl. life blesses her a lot. She has everything ordinary but luxurious to others. She owns a secured job and income, no worry about mortgaging a house, no extra material life pressure, the parents of both sides are healthy and have their endowment insurance, which is quite a relief for them. My friend and her husband is what are called nowadays the “sandwich generation”. They are both the only child of their own family and now they are pressed between the parents, besides, now they have their little child to feed. Although being the sandwich generation, their life is still quite wonderful. I have been admiring what she possesses till one day she told me about her painful experience in that seemingly harmonious family.
She lives with her husband’s parents. And as ironically as the old story has always shows, she doesn’t get along well with the parents. Her husband, being the only child of the parents, has actually been spoiled by his parents since young age. And after getting married, he became even worse. What’s more, he was unable to deal with the worsen relationship between his parents and his wife. He listened to whatever his parents have said and has no sensible judge of his own. My friend was very disappointed and the situation upgrated when he beat my friend in front of their 4year-old daughter just because they could not reach a agreement. And I was quite surprised when she told me that it was not the first time that he used violence to settle things and his parents were both stay with him. She told me she was thinking about a divorce. Her face was blank when she was saying the unhappy experience and no more loving affection for the past. What have brought them to tie the knots? She said that is the mutual interests and the similar living life style. But she found that it turned out to be quite different after they really living together. He is such a lazy-bone and irresponsible man who is not ready to be a husband and a father. Therefore, the crisis appeared inevitably in the end. Then what may possibly save her marriage? Maybe the forgiveness and tolerance may help. But it will never last long if there is no love in it any longer. In my friend’s case, love is the only ligament to their marriage.
The other friend of mine has another problem which is also affecting her marriage. She is born an easily satisfied young woman with sunny nature. She married a very traditional man who is very reliable and caring. Her husband is a very responsible man and shows great respect to his parents. She lives happily in the family for nearly 6 years. She doesn’t have any daughter-in-law and mother-in-law issue. However, there is always a pity in their life which gradually shows its potential landmine power. That is the child issue. My friend is unluckily has some problem with her endocrine which makes her unable to become a mother for so many years. The couple have been working together to deal with problem in the past few years. Life was full of ebb and flow. She considered it was the cruel test given by life and she accepted it and fully believed that their love would withstand any difficulties. Then one day after provoking by the fact that another colleague of her husband has become a father, her husband showed great disappointment and agony. And he again showed doubt about what she had done. He blamed she was not initiative enough to deal with this problem. My friend was speechless after he gave her an explanation about how he thought about having a child. He said that he could not bear having no child in his life and although he could accept an adopted child he was not sure whether he could stay firm enough to keep their marriage if the chance of adopting a child would never come to them. She was heartbroken and for the first time she doubt about their love. She said she felt as if her belief had been ruined. Later on, as my friend put it, her husband apologized to her explaining that what he said say was just the overwhelming feeling and it was not true. She has a shadow in her mind from then on. Sometimes she could not help thinking about the worst result of her marriage. Again, she thought of the movie called “UP”《飞屋环球记》。In the movie, the old man and his wife have an everlasting love though they have no child in their life. Movie is movie after all. many things are doomed to be beaten by reality.
For my friend, what to keep their marriage may be a child. What if the child never comes? Then will her husband choose to divorce? What about the love they have been building together after so many hard years if love really exists? Only time can tell.
I don’t want to compare their marriage with mine. Each one has his or her own unique story and the key to deal with the problem. I am only sure that keeping a marriage is not an easy task. What we need is intelligence and a mindset resilient enough to face something unpredictable and all kinds of challenges imaginable.
really touching stories and good example. i think you are both lucky to have each other as couple and soulmates.
a successful.marriage need underdtanding and.tolerance. and you.really.set a good example
best wishes for.you
'marry in haste, repent at leisure' is a saying that is not without truth.
only the very naive or child-like believe in the fairy-tale view of love and marriage, that there is a 'prince' or 'princess' waiting to be 'rescued'.
by infantalising marriage and reducing it to obligations, traditions and duties without paying attention to the individual is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness.
It is work, sometimes hard work, to achieve a successful marriage.
Every day you have to work at it, and other people interfering, especially family, doesn't help.
Tolerance of your spouses culture and background is very importance, and forcing someone by saying 'when in Rome' shows lack of respect, a fundamental building block in a relationship.
But equally it can be very rewarding, whether there are children or not.
My wife and I have been happily married nearly nine years now. We are both on the better side of being middle-aged and both have been previously married. We both respectively have children from our previous marriages, whom are adults now. Us having children is certainly not an issue... between us we have 4 wonderful adult children that accept our marriage. My wife is a 'traditional' Chinese woman, and as for myself, an educated and open-minded Westerner from the US. I knew my wife a year before coming to China and another year while in China before we got married. Over that two-year courtship period, we learned about each other and developed our relationship, we both knew and expressed our thoughts and feelings about each other and what our expectations were about our relationship and the life we were to have together... and how blending our two cultures and respective upbringing would effect our marriage. This isn't to say there haven't been cultural struggles, but I am blessed that my wife is patient and tolerant of me learning and adapting to Chinese culture. She is a wise and wonderful teacher. I've developed the mindset; love my wife love her traditions and culture. Even after nine years together, I'm still ignorant about some things, but my wife will explain the the hows and whys... she knows me well enough that she can easily read my face and body-language to retort with a simple "...this is China"... enough said, my dear, I understand. My wife and I truly love each other and fully appreciate each other, we value our marriage and relationship, we have trust and faith in each other, we are not just husband and wife, we are friends and partners... our circumstances meeting and coming together is different than most encounter. Once we knew we were compatible early on and felt that mutual bond developing, we took the time to slowly nurture our relationship so it would be strong.
If you think what to keep a marriage is depend on child then I think this is not a very happy marriage ..
Marriage has a strange phenomenon. Inevitably, when you are in you want to be out. But when you are out, you wish you are in.
Tough question! As someone who hasn't experienced marriage yet and is still looking forward to it, I knew the cases you listed here are not rare. Love seems so fragile in face of hardships, and it seems women are always stronger than men in dealing with them bravely than just giving up with excuses. Being tolerant will not solve all the problems and is exhaustive, and only effective communications and mutual efforts in tackling problems will make the marriage last long.
by remaining in an abusive relationship, your friends daughter will be more damaged than in a single parent household.
The child will grow to think a man hitting a woman (husband hitting a wife) is normal between husband and wife, and ok.
Children are very sensitive to this kind of thing.
such emotional damage could be life-long where the child will accept casual male violence as the norm in a man/woman relationship and the cycle will continue.
Many divorced women successfully raise emotionally healthy and mentally strong children.
Hitting a woman, especially if a child witnesses it regularly is wrong and criminal, or does your friend not understand that?
Children can pick up on underlying tensions between parents and the psychological damage could be life-long.
Your friend should divorce her husband and remove the child.
how can she fail to understand that her husband is a thug and a bully, and certainly won't change if he is supported by his parents?
Your friends husband is a criminal so i can't understand why she has not reported him to the police, or does she not care about what damage is being done to both herself and her child by remaining?
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