Sorrow and Determination, and why I love China
2016-01-14
Please review http://bbs.chinadaily.com.cn/blog-63133-21588.html and the post linked there as well for some context.I apologize for writing this in English, but once again I have found myself dealing with the one thing that seems to be able to interfere with my study of the Chinese language - death.
This time it was the death, due to ovarian cancer, of my best friend. She died on June 6, 2015 and I learned of her death when I arrived in China a week later. She specifically left instructions for my colleagues in China not to tell me of her death (she knew she was dying) until I was in China so I would be with them when I was given the news. Even when dying, she cared about my well-being and wanted to be sure I would be with friends who could comfort me in my loss.
Wenhui was not only my dearest friend, but she was also a wonderful help in my learning Chinese. She was the one with whom I was talking when I accidentally said "If I have a question, I will kiss you" instead of "If I have a question, I will ask you." (the words for "to kiss" 吻 and "to ask" 问 in Mandarin sound the same except for the tone, for those reading who do not know those words.) She and I had been through quite a bit together - the deaths of my uncle, who raised me like a father would because my father left, my grandfather, her mother, and my older brother. We've been through personal problems together and over the ten years that we knew each other we always were there for each other, supporting and encouraging each other.
Our ten years of friendship were not without rough spots - we had many misunderstandings, sometimes simply due to language issues and other times because of cultural differences, but we always worked things out and never remained upset with each other for very long - in fact, never even for 24 hours.
I started learning Chinese before I met her, but she became my main inspiration for quite some time. She became my best friend and my confidante, and my 知己, a wonderful word that does not translate into English. She taught me to laugh and smile when I thought there was no hope or happiness left. She encouraged me. She taught me the truth about China when I had grown up during the 1970s thinking that China was a backward, repressive country. She taught me patience by being patient with me while I learned about her country and slowly realized that much of what I thought was true about the world was not correct. She taught me to persevere. She taught me to believe in myself when those closest to me did not.
Learning Chinese became intimately connected with her in my mind and in my heart. We would communicate via QQ every day, using both languages. We would help each other study each other's language. We would open our hearts and our lives to each other. And in all of that, I developed a deep appreciation for China and China's culture. I wanted to learn more about the environment that produced such a wonderful person.
She's gone now. There is nothing that can change that, but her legacy lives on. She taught me to persevere. She inspired me to continue learning.
It is hard to recover from the loss of someone so special, but I cannot fall apart and let this loss destroy me. She wanted me to succeed, and I will honour her memory by working hard to succeed.
I do not know how one honours the dead in China, so I would appreciate any information so I can honour her memory in a way that fits with her culture, but one thing that I am doing to honour her is to continue my study and my work that we started together in memory of her. I look at her picture almost every day, and I think about her every day.
I've mourned her since her passing, and while I will never forget her, I must move on with my life. She would not want me to be crushed by this. I will continue as a way of honouring her.
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