1.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited theStatue of Liberty.

2.
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you.

3.
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

4.
Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone I love.

5.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

6.
Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

7.
Can we actually ‘know’ the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

8.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

9.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better,while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

10.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

11.
The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.

12.
Sleeper(1973)
My brain:it’s my second favorite organ.

13.
After all,there are worse things in life than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I’m talking about.

14.
Sonja: Sex without love is an empty experience!
Boris: Yes,but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best!

15.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

16.
I never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.

17.
Annie: It’s so clean out here.
Singer:Because they don’t throw garbage away. They make it into TV shows.

18.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

19.
The most beautiful words in the English language aren’t “I love you” but “it’s benign.”

20.
StandupComic (1999)
A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said“no.”