Instead, I would like to speak of two indisputable facts about beautiful Ireland. The first, of course, concerns our saint, Patrick and the mysterious legend that has surrounded him for many hundreds of years. It is well known to every Irishman and woman that Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. This is true. It is more than just true though, despite the fact that there have never been any snakes in Ireland, Saint Pat did actually drive them out!

How can this be? Is it possible that those rascally Irish people have concocted a story to boost their saint's appeal? Would we Irish simply invent a story, a pack of lies which could so easily be disproven, then tell it to everyone and continue telling it for all those hundreds of years? I will admit, freely, that Irish people are not renowned for always telling the truth for we can bend the truth as it suits us; we can twist and mould the truth until what you're believing is almost impossible but, to tell lies and I mean 'honest to God' lies? (excuse my little pun) No! That's not us and it's not our way. We have better things to do.

We tell the story, the legend of St Paddy and the snakes and we expect others to believe it for we know it's true even though most of us don't know how.

Well, sit down and pour yourself a glass of something nice and I'll tell ye how it came to be. I have to tell you now, today, for tomorrow (17th of March) is the big day and I have an appointment with the barman. St Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland and that is well known to one and all. However, ask yourself what was the religion in Ireland before yer man, Patrick, came along? Well, I'll tell you that Druidism held sway then and (are you sitting comfortably?) the symbol of those Druid chaps was a snake. Yer man, Patrick, came to Ireland, converted everyone to become Christians and, thus, drove the Druids and their snakes out of Ireland! So, there you have it and you can tell anyone that an Irishman told you so it must be true.

The second fact that I want to tell you about concerns travelling through time. Now, I know that those clever scientist chaps have said that it's impossible just now but, perhaps, it might be possible someday in the future though they doubt it. Ha, this is pish and nonsense for we Irish invented 'Time Travel' a long time ago and have been doing it ever since. As tomorrow is our saint's day, I'm happy to explain and, perhaps, you might like to try it for yourself some day.

First, you will need to gather those things that are necessary to travel into the future and they are: a comfortable chair, an empty glass, a smaller chair, a hat and a bottle of Irish whiskey (Bushmills, Jameson, Paddy, they're all equally good for this.) Now, the method and I advise you to follow these instructions exactly as I write them. Hold the hat in one hand and gently place it on the back of the smaller chair. Sit yourself down in the comfortable chair and pour a decent amount of the whiskey into the glass. Sip it slowly, enjoying its wonderful taste and aroma and then pour yourself another while keeping your eye on the hat. Continue pouring and drinking the whiskey as long as necessary and until you see the hat begin to move. Then, close your eyes for a few minutes and, when you can open them again, it'll be a couple of days into the future. Sure, it's easy enough. Anyone could do this.