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chinacolin
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美国大学生帮我改作文（原创，定期更新）

昨天我写了一篇新概念3上的一篇作文，并且请我的美国好友Sariah修改，Sraiah 不仅非常热心帮我修改，并且添加了自己的评语，感觉收益良多，现与大家分享！（修改后的文章为美国大学生所写,完全可以作为范文）

Composition

Describe the occasion when the woman picking blackberries saw the puma. expand the following into a paragraph about 150 words

原文：(我写的）

Mrs. stone had spent the whole morning in picking blackberries. It was nearly lunch time ,so she decided to go home .she was just about to leave when she heard a noise in the garden. Then saw an animal which looked like a cat. However, she knew it can’t be a cat, because it was more larger. The animal suddenly ran toward her and she thought it was going to attack her. she dropped her basket and ran away immediately. Hearing the sound, the animal kept running after her. Mrs. stone shouted and ran all the way home . she told her neighbors what she had see, but they didn’t believe here. She also telephoned the police but they didn’t take seriously either。

修改后：Mrs. Stone had spent the whole morning in her garden picking blackberries. As it was nearing lunch time, Mrs. Stone decided it was time for her to go home. She was just about to leave when she heard a noise in the garden. Turning, she saw an animal that looked like a cat nearby. However, she knew it couldn't be a cat, because it was much larger than a house cat. The animal, a puma, suddenly ran toward her. Mrs. Stone thought it was going to attack her. Frightened, she dropped her basket of berries and ran away immediately. Hearing the sound, the animal kept running after her. Mrs. Stone shouted and ran all the way home. She told her neighbors what she had seen, but they didn’t believe her. She also called the police, but they didn’t take her seriously either.

评语: I read it and thought it was really good. I moved some of your periods over. Remember when you put in a period or a comma, they do not need a space after the final word of the sentence. Don't forget to capitalize Mrs. Stone's last name--as part of her name, it is a proper noun. I also added a few small phrases or words to help make your sentences go together, better. And you are now about eight (8) words off from 150 words. You may want to add at least one more sentence at the end of your paragraph. Don't be afraid to go over 150 words either. Sometimes it can only help the reader understand better.

美国网友帮我修改作文(新概念3 01下）美国网友帮我该作文（新概念3 02课）

更多请访问：http://blog.sina.com.cn/chinacolin

内有老外从美国传来的原创视屏，我和老外MSN对话笔记加入有老外的MSN英语群欢迎光临

[ Last edited by chinacolin at 2009-4-28 05:20 PM ]

2009-4-12 05:32 PM