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riverchang
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culture?

oh,no,this cannot call it culture .and it is not widespread in china,it's somebody's Viewpoint or somewhere,it's old，Selfish and Narrow .The marriage is two person's lives, is not the commodity exchange .It does not represent the mainstream .
so ,you need Communication necessary with your gf,or her parents.
good luck!

2009-3-14 10:12 AM

#41

lcy331
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well,budy,if you really understand Chinese Culture and Chinese woman,you won't be so surprised about what she said to you.
calm down,take a tea,and listen to me.
it is definitely true that in China men should pay much more for the marriage than women, because they generally earn more.and one thing you should know about Chinese culture is that Chinese women don't have the right to inherit the family's properties once their husbands abandon them or leave them alone by certain reasons except that the woman was serious sick or serves her parents-in law very well.that is why men should pay more,because they own more shares of family property.of course,now the ruls has changed.but the convention are still there.
as to your second fear of her control of family finance,well,it is nothing to worry about.yeah,it is also true that in China women play a role like financial secretary,but you know what,they just control the income of family,like hold your bank cards,securities,jewels,cash,and so on,but don't be freak,actually,Chinese women just help you to keep it,they are very very seldom to spend family found without your nod in advance.and it is not acceptable in China for woman to spend money without husband's agreement.
so,don't worry of your property,your Chinese gf just help you to keep watching it.they are still yours and there.
feel better?

2009-3-14 11:00 AM

#42

zhw75066033
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HOUSE

My girlfrend is a kindful girl .We love each other deeply,but when we talk about the house,i feel very terrible .

2009-3-14 12:30 PM

#43

tracy51
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In most citys of China,It's tradition that the man buy the house,the woman buy the furniture.sometime and somewhere the girls money buy furniture is offered by the man in fact . But not all of chinese do this. To the woman, to help husband and educate childrien is also the chinese tradition. We can choose the way we think right and choose the right tradition to insist.
To a couple, it's most important to help each orther, to incourage each other and to comprehend each other. Whether afford the bill to buy house by the man only or not, It's depend on how much the man owns, whether the girl has no money at all. If the man can affored,while the girl is just graduated from high school,she has little money. I think it's good way that the man pay for the first fund and then they pay for the amortization together.

2009-3-14 12:42 PM

#44

lillian_77
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nowadays, most women in china have their own jobs and have their own financial resource, therefore, they become more and more independent and capable.The idea that men should pay for the house and women won't pay anything is no longer popular in most cities.on the contrary, men and wonmen are both responsible for the house and the expenditure in life.

[ Last edited by lillian_77 at 2009-3-14 02:04 PM ]

2009-3-14 02:02 PM

#45

ccyx
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commiserate with you~

I'm really commiserate with you.
Maybe it will be better for you to marry a western girl,because,unfortunately,the marriage culture in China is just like what your GF said.
We are the same kind,to marry my future wifeI have to work hard to earn at least 100,000RMB to my father-in-law~
Good luck to you~

2009-3-14 03:32 PM

#46

ichiban
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Chinese and Western culture in marriage 2

Thanks for all your replies.

It has been really helpful listening to all your opinions.
First of all I love my girlfriend very much and have done and will do anything. If she in in trouble or needs my help and support I will always be there.

Some of the comments on the post were about Love being generous with money. This goes both ways.

I would like to a comment that doing everything for the love is not always linked to a house or the money you have.

In general, if a man could not afford to buy a house and provide enough money every month, would a woman still want to marry that guy?
I understand that women in general would like to find Love and financial security. But the problem is right there. Can most women love a man and want
to be with him for the rest of her life if you doesn't have that security. If love is the only thing that matters then this should not be a problem.

On the other hand some men like to pay for everything because it gives them control over their woman and some men can also
go out and cheat on women. Even though he does everything for his woman, it does not mean he loves or respects her.

I believe love is the secret ingredient to a happy marriage but not the only ingredient that will help sustain a marriage. As much as someone can love
someone, it can also be the opposite if there is friction in a relationship. Couples need the tools to be able to handle and managed the upsets and
difficult time in life. Love is a beautiful feeling and emotion from the heart, however it is not always the best tool to communicate and understand each
other.

I'm a generous guy when it comes to money, time and giving to people. In my situation as much as I would do anything for my girlfriend, I would like her
to do something for herself as well in being more independently minded as I believe it will strengthen our relationship and our own personal
development a couple.

I have already talked to my girlfriend and she says that she won't feel good if I don't provide the house and that she wants to feel that I really want her by
welcoming her into my house. She gets really angry and upset that I'm not understanding her and the way she does it which makes me feel angry and upset
as I feel pressured and forced to do what she is asking. She says that in China the man pays for everything but at the same time she said if we get married she will give everything into it.

I'm glad me and my girlfriend are talking about this now, so I can know more about Chinese culture.
I will keep communicating to her hopefully come to some compromise.

Thanks again you all your posts

[ Last edited by ichiban at 2009-3-14 11:02 PM ]

2009-3-14 03:48 PM

#47

kitty44
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It used to be the Chinese tradition for husbands to provide food and shelter for the family while wives take care of the family chores, such as caring for the children and doing most of the housework. Things have changed a lot. most women work. They help to support the family. If they get married, husbands' parents will help them buy a house it they are well-off. But it depends. Since your gf is an international student, she is aware of the fact that men and women are equal in rights and responsibilities. She is a student now . If you are working and you are living with each other, you can do what lovers do and don't care much about money. Talk with her and she will understand. Good luck with you.

2009-3-14 04:18 PM

#48

yuyang8444
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In my opinion, you can pay for home by yourself if your wife permit you that is androcentrism at home. if not, just pay it by AA. it is for fair!

2009-3-14 04:59 PM

#49

Robin10
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I'm a Chinese man,and now a junior junior student of a university.In my mind,I won't get married if I don't have the ability to support a family,especially in finance.Chinese men take more responsibility in the family.My girlfriend has ever said to me:Yours is mine,and mine is mine too.It's rather common between Chinese lovers to say that.

2009-3-14 05:32 PM

#50

chriscao
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in china,if you love a girl,you should give her a bettter life,take care of her.It's men's responsibility.

2009-3-14 06:36 PM

#51

thunderbird
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QUOTE:

Originally posted by ichiban at 2009-3-14 15:48
Thanks for all your replies.

It has been really helpful listening to all your opinions.
First of all I love my girlfriend very much and have done and will do anything. If she in i ...

Each couple has unique issues

May it be financial, emotional, physical, cultural, ethnic , personal issue

If you or she can not accept the terms and conditions

That would spell the end of a relationship

If you or she force(s) it

That would also spell the end of your/her happiness

If you/she insist(s) your/her way or the highway

You know where your love relationship would eventually wind up

Power and control are part of the dynamic inherited in any relationship including romantic relationship!

2009-3-14 10:46 PM

#52

jiefang
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QUOTE:

Originally posted by ichiban at 2009-3-13 03:56
Hi there,

I'm a British Black guy and I've been dating my Chinese girlfriend for over a year now.
She is a international student. She moved in with me with 2 months of knowing each other beca ...

The marriage culture of China can not express with one word.

It's have thousands of historic tradition.

And the character is changed gradually with the social development.

Yes,in China,man should provide a house for woman beforetime.

And man will give woman family woman bills as gift.

But now the tradition has changed bit by bit with ages pasted.

Now most case is both side pay for the house together.

2009-3-15 10:20 AM

#53

jiefang
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QUOTE:

I agreed with what you said.

I also hope to find true love,but in modern society is almost impossible.

Now people more and more reality.

Realism is popular now.

And we must accept such situation.

As long as not too egregiously.

In China,now also developt to cope with house loan together both side.

Someone would give woman family bills,but someone not.

It depends on the woman family.

In before tradition,the woman family also will give the marriage portion to the man.

But like your case,it's impossible,for it's too long distance.

2009-3-15 10:40 AM

#54

jiefang
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QUOTE:

Originally posted by thunderbird at 2009-3-14 22:46

Each couple has unique issues

May it be financial, emotional, physical, cultural, ethnic , personal issue

If you or she can not accept the terms and conditions

That would spell the end ...

Yes,so more possibles between couples.

What's you understand about ture love like?

2009-3-15 10:45 AM

#55

badeggs
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it is not ture nowaday in china ,she is not telling the truth!!!!!!!

it seens normal a decade ago that the husbands had to pay off most of the bills especially when the wives had no steady source of income ,however things has changed .most of the time the couple share the spendings .
what she said in your letter is not true.you shoud be careful!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-3-15 03:31 PM

#57

983518
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I think different culture require different treatment.
take it easy !

[ Last edited by 983518 at 2009-3-15 03:59 PM ]

2009-3-15 03:56 PM

#58

scorehs
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In recent years, this situationg has change because the contact between Chinese culture and Western culture,
So don’t view it impossible to change .
But I think it will not block your heartfelt love and if your love her heartily , WHY NOT ?

2009-3-15 04:44 PM

#59

yang1leaner
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sorry for hearing your story!~
maybe i can feel what you are going through ,marriage is a big problem for every man and woman ,you must take it seriously ,i give you two suggestions : first you ought to think it over, second make a formal conversation at an appropriate time.
then make a appripreate dicision

[ Last edited by yang1leaner at 2009-3-15 05:04 PM ]

2009-3-15 05:03 PM

#60

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