Chinadaily BBS - Friendship, Love, Relationships - Chinese and Western culture in Marriage

Guest: Login | Register | Search | FAQ

Chinadaily BBS » Leisure Time» Friendship, Love, Relationships» Chinese and Western culture in Marriage

Last Thread

Next Thread

ichiban
Primary Member
Rank: 2

UID 139953
Digest Posts 0
Credits 337
Posts 266
Registered 2007-7-13
Location England
Status Offline

Chinese and Western culture in Marriage

Hi there,

I'm a British Black guy and I've been dating my Chinese girlfriend for over a year now.
She is a international student. She moved in with me with 2 months of knowing each other.
She wants to know if we have a future together.

We had an argument recently as we wanted to talk about marrying.
I wanted to discuss with her how we can plan financially and how we can help each with mortgages, bills and food. My Girlfriend said that in Chinese
culture that the man should pay for the house and that she will play no part in helping out at all.
She also mentioned that in China when the man gets paid all the money goes to the woman account and she will sort out the bills.

I'm a western guy and this came as a big shock to me what I was hearing. I thought a couple should share all responsibilities together.

I love my girlfriend and her parents are totally happy with us being together and I would like to see a future with her.

Can someone please give me some advice on Chinese culture and the roles a man and woman play in marriage.
How can we compromise?

Thanks.

[ Last edited by ichiban at 2009-3-31 03:26 PM ]

2009-3-13 03:56 AM

soyooo
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 210852
Digest Posts 0
Credits 1
Posts 1
Registered 2009-3-13
Status Offline

this culture is widespread in china, it's deep in chinese women's mind.If you can't accept it .you should talk with you gf.Talk about your future financial
plan and somethind else. Or you will not satisfy with you marriage one or two years later.then....

2009-3-13 10:49 AM

cufe_aaron
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 210517
Digest Posts 0
Credits 5
Posts 5
Registered 2009-3-12
Status Offline

This is the Chinese special calture, but it is not always the case, the girl is too strict with you,you should have a conversation with her.

2009-3-13 11:02 AM

phoebe-8414
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 210857
Digest Posts 0
Credits 1
Posts 1
Registered 2009-3-13
Status Offline

ichiban ,ur gf said in her Chinese culture that the man should pay for the house and that she will play no part in helping out at all. It doesn't seem really absolutely correct. That's not the truth nowdays in china.You know,now women have their own jobs,however,in the old china,women had no economic resources,so,they had no choice but just rely on their husbands.In my opinion,you are individuals,and it's better to afford all together,just like many chinese couples do.

2009-3-13 11:10 AM

HarryHuang
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 195534
Digest Posts 0
Credits 17
Posts 17
Registered 2009-1-31
Location ZheJiang
Status Offline

I think the conception of ur gf's parents is old ,so it affects your gf. you two need talk, and it will do goods to your future life afer marriage.

2009-3-13 11:22 AM

02071820
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 210846
Digest Posts 0
Credits 6
Posts 6
Registered 2009-3-13
Status Offline

It is very normal in China. If you like your girlfriend.you should accept these.

[ Last edited by 02071820 at 2009-3-13 11:26 AM ]

2009-3-13 11:25 AM

emmawen
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 210867
Digest Posts 0
Credits 1
Posts 1
Registered 2009-3-13
Status Offline

the traditonal culture is just as your gf had said ,but now this concept had changded, many couples are saving money togather,not just depending on their bf.

2009-3-13 11:30 AM

pkncoin
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 168355
Digest Posts 0
Credits 23
Posts 23
Registered 2008-7-4
Status Offline

I think you need to talk to her. It maybe a culture that in the old days, but not now.
You know, a family is combined with husband and wife, they're both together. Why a man should pay all for the house? BTW, if a man is rich and he can afford it without any pressure and he's willing to do it, he would surely pay it. But that's not the situation that you're in.
Both husband and wift are responsible for their house, their children or any else.

2009-3-13 11:32 AM

silphy
Primary Member
Rank: 2

UID 123346
Digest Posts 0
Credits 53
Posts 53
Registered 2007-1-11
Status Offline

chinese have their own culture on marriage, but what your said upside is one kind of the them. Nowadays everyone can accord their situation to make choice, follow or not, it isn't a big event.

In a word, if you turly love your GF, make a conversation with her, high esteem each other is very important in marriage.

2009-3-13 11:41 AM

arwenwong
Primary Member
Rank: 2

UID 175044
Digest Posts 0
Credits 120
Posts 104
Registered 2008-9-17
Status Offline

oo

yes,it's chinese culture before and somewhere now.
But we also have modern way of life ,copying your western way of living
So what your girlfiend said is maybe a suggestion for you and you can have a talk about this carefully

I believe your girlfriend must have independent economic capacity
You can bear the burden together if you cannot shoulder independently
Just tell her about this directly
Love makes toleration

Wish you happy forever

2009-3-13 11:56 AM

#10

120091257
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 209463
Digest Posts 0
Credits 5
Posts 5
Registered 2009-3-9
Status Offline

respect the tradition

"Respect the tradition!" Although Traditions 'some parts had behinded the times,these was not of all. It can prove how deep your love for her . you should do it perfectly. Your gf.'s parent will hope this too. Don't consider something else. I did it like this too. Our chinese had a adage that "harmoney brings weath",
More pays , more returns. chinese tradition just like a cup of tea,you should taste gradually.

2009-3-13 11:58 AM

#11

lovesara
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 185287
Digest Posts 0
Credits 13
Posts 11
Registered 2008-12-7
Status Offline

Generally speaking,In China and in many areas,The boy or his family should prepare a house or buy the house .Marriage is a big event for a girl.But I think you can also share if her parents agree with that.

I believe you can
make effort together to solve the problem,Life is tough ,and wish you happy!

2009-3-13 12:41 PM

#12

fredius
Junior Member
Rank: 3

UID 55113
Digest Posts 0
Credits 1216
Posts 1185
Registered 2005-2-1
Location China
Status Offline

QUOTE:

Originally posted by ichiban at 2009-3-13 03:56
Hi there,

I'm a British Black guy and I've been dating my Chinese girlfriend for over a year now.
She is a international student. She moved in with me with 2 months of knowing each other beca ...

No way... She lives in UK, and she is an international student. She cannot think this way, this is weird.
It's not just a question of money, but it is also about the balance in the couple.
I am married to a Chinese woman, we live in China and she works. We always help each other, and if sometimes I am the one who face a tough situation, she is also supporting me.
Trust me, this tradition is no more followed in big cities. A lot of women are independant and very proud of this in China.
An housewife who will spend her time in shopping and fun will not lead your couple to be balanced. You don't buy her!
A couple should make both people stronger to face difficulties, and not gives all difficulties to one of the partner.

2009-3-13 12:42 PM

#13

aplexi
Primary Member
Rank: 2

UID 200789
Digest Posts 0
Credits 57
Posts 43
Registered 2009-2-18
Status Offline

it determine her heart

hi,
maybe it is the culture of china, but i think people all over world have the same sense. because if you are kindly enough ,she will too.
you should consider for her and she also. sometime, not all the thing determined by money, material. need live, comprehensive. communication.
material can be paid by couple , not one, if that, i do not how you want to marry to her. of course, you also should check yourself.

2009-3-13 12:42 PM

#14

cupo27
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 200802
Digest Posts 0
Credits 18
Posts 18
Registered 2009-2-18
Location ZJ
Status Offline

it is not the chinese culture~to me,i agreed to pay the house or others with my boyfriend.we plan together,face problems together. in my mind,i can earn myself,why should man facing all financial problem~maybe she is not your Mrs Right.

2009-3-13 01:07 PM

#15

fatdragon
Senior Member
Rank: 4

UID 126286
Digest Posts 0
Credits 4270
Posts 4066
Registered 2007-2-7
Location Chengdu
Status Offline

QUOTE:

I generally dissagree with these other posters.

Talking from experience of being a Brit happily married to a Chinese girl......

Marriage is about sharing and compromise. It is not about self sacrifice. If she insists on you dumping your own culture and traditions then it is wiser to marry within your own culture because otherwise you will end up as divorce statistics.

It is good that you understand each other's culture/traditions because there will be conflicts. But having acknowledged culture/tradition you need to accomodate them and work out a practical solution that you both feel comfortable with.

If you live in China do you think you are more qualified to run the household than she is....? It is certainly not a matriarcle society in the UK. Should you follow UK traditions exclusively or do you think it is more reasonable to accomodate her traditions when practical and for her to accomodate your wishes when practical?

My wife says that I am the UK boss and she is the China boss. But she still tries to understand and accomodate my "strange" ideas even though we have our home here in China.

Good luck.

2009-3-13 01:18 PM

#16

nsmike
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 210058
Digest Posts 0
Credits 36
Posts 34
Registered 2009-3-11
Location St Paul MN USA
Status Offline

Look at it from her point of view, she's lived with you for a year and not contributed to the bills. In essence she has been living with you much as a traditional chinese wife would. Now when she wants to formalize the relationship you want to change the rules. You are in adifficult diplomatic situation. I would try and see if see would agree to a joint bank account and a shared budgeting process. Actual bill paying would then be a bit of clerical work. If she does i t ok.

2009-3-13 01:34 PM

#17

murdoch67
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 210901
Digest Posts 0
Credits 35
Posts 33
Registered 2009-3-13
Status Offline

Everyone is different, yet everyone is the same. You must travel on the same road, go in the same direction. One heart, one mind, one soul and ultimately, one goal. Let destiny find her way, she love harmony.

2009-3-13 02:21 PM

#18

HuntingtonChan
Primary Member
Rank: 2

UID 185807
Digest Posts 0
Credits 166
Posts 108
Registered 2008-12-9
Status Offline

Reply #1 ichiban's post

we dont know ur gf's ethic background, and it is common that a Chinese gal in a relationship, she would marry the guy she loves,

2009-3-13 03:03 PM

#19

robby114
Newcomer
Rank: 1

UID 210930
Digest Posts 0
Credits 2
Posts 2
Registered 2009-3-13
Status Offline

I just want to know : could you do anything for your girl friend ? or except money ? If you give the answer to your GF, I think you'll know whether you are her Mr. Right.

2009-3-13 03:08 PM

#20

Printable Version | Email to Friend | Subscription | Favorites


Forum Rules	Feedback	Privacy